Latest Posts by depressionanddeconstruction - Page 2

i was wondering, since you'd been an atheist for a hot minute, have you lost any friends because of your later belief in god (or your studies, etc.)?

i'm struggling with this, because there's people in my life that i like, that i would even consider friends, but some of them have this deep hate for church and religions in general. (many of them are from poland and i feel like if you're from poland, you either support the church for the most part or you totally distance yourself from it, and i'm not on either side in this case).

and for me, i'm judgemental of the church too, especially the catholic church (i'm catholic), i'm a feminist, not racist, not homophobic, not transphobic. liberal. but i do attend mass and it does feel important to me. whenever this comes up however, i feel like i need to explain myself. that's why i try not to bring up the topic of religion and faith at all.

and i understand where they are coming from and why they would choose to turn away from the church completely, but it's not like i haven't spent hours and hours and hours thinking about what my beliefs are. like this is so big for me and i wish i could be more open about it, but i feel so misunderstood every time.

my only solution would be to find better friends :/ maybe you had a similar experience?

i lost or became distant from a number of friends when i began to explore my relationship to faith more earnestly- it put a lot of strain on my relationship with my partner at the time, and we eventually broke up for reasons that included but were not exclusive to religion. that was almost a decade ago and i've grown a lot: my friends now do i know what they're in for with me, and i'm lucky in how they encourage and support me and give me space to be in dialogue with them. one of my closest friends is an atheist, and we have great conversations about theism.

but i also know, and this is part of growing in my faith, that religion- especially christianity- is the source of a lot of pain for people. a lot of trauma, including for myself, and i try to remember that. if my faith is built on love, then i am here only to love people. sometimes loving them means setting my faith, as big and immersive as it is, aside so that i can better model what it is to them. it can be an opportunity to help them heal in the sense that without talking to them or immersing them in my own journey, i can show them through my actions what faith should be, mindful that their experiences are with systems that are repressive, painful, violent, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, or abusive. some of my closest friends are people who have negative or no opinions about God and faith. part of what makes those relationships possible is that i recognize that i am privileged to have a healthy relationship to faith, that i have one at all, or that i was able to overcome my own religious trauma to a place of healing, where i could redevelop my assumptions from the ground up. that is a privilege and one that not everyone has the ability to take advantage of. to be religious is to be privileged, especially where christianity is the majority, since religion is practiced by the majority and often contributes negatively to systems of oppression (and this is partly why i have difficulty formally joining the church- my ability to take on religious privilege, as a christian in the christian west, only goes so far).

i do not believe in evangelism, but i do believe in lived faith, and weirdly in this way i have watched numerous people around me who previously had no interest in religion end up converting or reverting, or develop more unconventional relationship to something they'd lost through abuse or mistrust- sometimes they've directly attributed that to their relationship with me, and sometimes its more passive, maybe it has nothing to do with me at all. but i like to think that i was able to be something for them. when we talk about self-emptying in faith, when we talk about making room for God in ourselves and our lives, i think this is often what it means. people do not owe us understanding for our relationship with God. but if we are close to God, if we love him, we owe him our emptiness so that we can reflect his light to others, in the way that they can understand, that has nothing to do with ourselves. and if we lose people in that process, it isn't us they're rejecting, and it isn't God either. they're just not meant to encounter the light through us. and it is har to lose people like that, but it also makes space for people who will see the light of God reflected in us and recognize that it makes sense to them.

i hope this makes sense and helps you in your path: ultimately yes, faith is contentious, and not without reason. but i always try to be respectful of people's misgivings about faith, i don't bring it where it's not wanted, and i trust that God will bring me to places where it is wanted and more importantly, needed. such is faith.

Your answer about suffering was beautifully written! I'm actually curious, you said that suffering is unnatural, that it isn't a part of this world since God loves us. Could you elaborate a bit on that?

thank you!! suffering is unnatural: God did not make the world with suffering in mind. he also did not make the world with death in mind. last year i took a course on death and this was the consistent theme in it: death is not natural, because God did not create the world with death in mind, he did not create death, but rather death is imported into creation after the fact, by creation, by our choice. it is the same with suffering. when the world is created, God declares it טוב, tov, what scripture calls "good." God makes the world with this in his mouth. among other things, tov means agreeable and sensorially pleasant, ethically good, well knowing, valuable, better (than another thing), capable of pleasure, morally good, ethical goodness. the creative word exits the mouth of God and brings creation into being and it is good, so good is incapable of suffering because suffering does not exist. suffering is a human creation. if we believe that the real is God, then suffering is not part of the real: the real is goodness, which is God, and it is incapable of being inhabited by suffering. suffering enters the real through our own experience, as suffering enters the world through human choice. this is the profundity of the crucifixion: that God, the real, chooses to endure suffering, when he is so far from the concept of suffering that he is incapable of creating it. he is capable of loneliness, though. which is suffering in its own way. and isn't that the root of all suffering? loneliness? but that's not the point of suffering being unnatural. God was also not lonely until he created a creation to miss.

May God break every weapon.

The Names of God

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

10 Awesome Quotes from C.S. Lewis

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.”

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.”

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

“God can’t give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.”

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”

“When you turn your face away from the young lady with severe boils and dry scabs covering every inch of her skin do you feel yourself grow? Do you feel new, with shedding snake skin peeling off of your body, making you vibrant and bright? Do you feel beautiful when you turn the ugly away? When you talk to the twenty six year old man with moderate autism like he is five years old, do you feel grown? When he cannot write the word garbage correctly, do you treat him like trash - discarded and forgotten? Do you feel intelligent with the world on your side, only seeking to understand the average and the normal? When you knock your child around, do you feel big? Do you feel the power coursing through your veins? Do you feel the adrenaline pumping through your body? When he cowers in fear at your words of “USELESS” and “WORTHLESS” do you feel worthy of his attention, of his affection, of his love? When you stand on the other side of homosexuality and send your acid laced words claiming biblical truth to burn their sin away, do you feel righteous? When your hate filled phrases make someone want to kill themselves to “get rid of the gay” do you feel loving? When you split marriage to be between one man and one woman do you feel like an earthquake, dividing the world to fit your standard and letting those you don’t understand fall to the core of the world, so you can walk all over them again? When you send a man to his death, do you feel like God? Do you feel the way mountains long to be moved and women scream to be heard and little boys cry at night because they know they are girls and everyone tells them that they are confused? Tell me, do you feel like God? You are no God, you of weak and little love, your hands did not build ribcages of protection and skeletons of structure. Your back did not bear his burdens when they threatened to crush him. You did not pick the larva out of the wounds of the divine and beg to bathe him. You did not care for her when she had next to nothing, but you cared for yourself when you took her everything. Your hands are not dirty from digging him out of the mud, but clean because you were the one who pushed him in. You did not pick up your cross and crucify yourself with him, you were the one in the crowd shouting, “KILL HIM” Depart from me. Depart from him. Go and find love.”

— Amanda Helm, Depart from Me (via amandaspoetry)

“To speak of the suffering God is dangerous language, and we need to beware of any tendency to glorify suffering and to forget that suffering is bad, that God is opposed to suffering and seeks to end it, and that Jesus was not abandoned but supported by God throughout the anguish of the passion and death. Yet, in spite of these qualifications, such language is demanded of us by the truth to which we bear witness. God on the cross means God in pain, God in distress, a suffering God. Only the suffering God can help.”

— Kenneth Leech, We Preach Christ Crucified

"We are all meant to be mothers of God. What good is it to me if this eternal birth of the divine Son takes place unceasingly, but does not take place within myself? And, what good is it to me if Mary is full of grace if I am not also full of grace? What good is it to me for the Creator to give birth to his Son if I do not also give birth to him in my time and my culture? This, then, is the fullness of time: When the Son of Man is begotten in us."

Meister Eckhart (1260-1328)

simone weil said "absolutely unmixed attention is prayer." to pay absolute attention to the injustice in the world is to recognize the absence of God in the world. to pay attention to God's absence is to manifest his presence in the places where he is most needed, for the most vulnerable, for those who need him the most, for those he loves: the ones to whom he gives attention.

"he is risen" if you believe in him then he rose 2000 years ago. put down your roses and get in the dirt there are people suffering now get out in the street there are people being occupied get out in the world maybe he is risen but it is your job to keep him alive

God works for the good of those who love Him.

The Need for Missionaries in North America

Christians in North America love to talk about “missions”. Usually that means people on other continents, across oceans, with vastly different climates and cultures. We talk a lot about unchurched peoples. 

I think it’s time to talk less about unchurched peoples and talk more about DE-churched peoples.

In North America, we have a unique mission field. We live on a continent where millions of people already know about Jesus, and are vehemently disinterested in Him. Because of us. 

We are surrounded by millions of people who actively reject God because of us. 

They equate God with hate, judgment and condemnation because of us. Just one generation before mine in my province, people left the church in droves because of hypocrisy, scandal and intolerance. My generation is the first generation in Newfoundland in which many people have absolutely zero affiliation with any church. My generation is the generation that knows God as someone who hates women and people of colour and LGBTQ+ people. Because his followers hate all those people. 

Jesus said that people would know his followers by their love for one another, not their hate. 

Something has gone very very wrong here. The most well known image associated with Christianity in the United States is a sign saying “God Hates F*gs”. Half my time is spent trying to combat misogyny, homophobia and transphobia within the church and the other half of my time is spent apologizing for all those things to people outside the church.

Yes I assure you, I know that it’s “not all” churches and “not all” Christians. Before you whine about my generalizations, I will preemptively refute that critique by saying that every time someone claims “not all” about a social class in a position of power, the answer is that it is the vast majority enabling us to make general claims about clear trends evident in this social class. Furthermore,  in this specific case, even if it is not all, it is a portion that is statistically significant enough that it dominates the psyche of our culture. And those of us who have not been active perpetrators have been complicit through our defenses like the one that you’re leveraging against my stance right now. Okay, that’s out of the way.

I am in no way saying that we don’t have a responsibility to “Go” and make disciples of ALL the nations. I am in no way saying that the work that overseas missionaries do is not important or that God does not call people to international missions. Here is what I AM saying: 

if God does not call you--yes, YOU, specifically--and me to go overseas and preach the gospel, then the only logical conclusion is that he’s calling us to STAY and preach the gospel. 

Too often we think that if we are not being sent to a different country then we are excused from the Great Commission. We are not. 

We will each be responsible for all the people we came into contact with, all the people we were supposed to love like God, all the opportunities to be Jesus.

We need to recognize the vast population of dechurched people in North America. We need to understand the unique cultural challenges of doing ministry in this context. We need to intentionally address the very specific obstacles to the propagation of the gospel in North America. In some countries, the gospel faces opposition from animism. In some, from Buddhism. In others, from Islam. 

In North America, the gospel faces opposition from Christianity itself. 

Our job now is to undergo cultural sensitivity training for our own home missions field. Our job is to recognize that we don’t actually have home team advantage here. Christianity is not the default, dominant moral standard. And we don’t have any right to expect it to be. 

We’re fighting an uphill battle on a landscape that has already been ravaged by the war we’ve waged against the culture.

We have to meet people where they are. 

We need to respect the challenges, the baggage and the bondage in North America. 

The pain and fear and shame that the church has instilled in people so that they run away from God. If we really want to reach people for Jesus, we have to look around. We have to stop expecting people to come to us. We have to stop thinking that it’s easy for anybody to just walk into a church. For a lot of people, walking into a church is traumatic at worst and ironic at best. 

If we really believe in this earth-shattering, history-altering, life-changing, time-stopping, world-healing message we have the immense honour and responsibility to carry, then our job is to love.

That’s vague and trite and cliche. Allow me to elaborate. You know how overseas missionaries say that it’s not a job, it’s a lifestyle? Like that. You know how overseas missionaries intentionally create spaces where they can meet people exactly where they are and meet their needs in the best way possible? Like that. You know how overseas missionaries do not consider it their place to judge anybody, simply to demonstrate the love of Jesus? LIKE THAT. You know how overseas missionaries understand that they are guests of their region and are not entitled to a platform but instead have to work to EARN the trust of the people they minister to? LIKE THAT. You know how overseas missionaries spend months and even years carefully building connections in the community and relationships with individuals? LIKE THAT.

It’s not that I think that pastors and missionaries are the only ones in “full time ministry”. We’re all in full time ministry. 

If you consider yourself a Christian and you have a personal relationship with God and you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you’re AUTOMATICALLY in full time ministry. 

It’s like Step 1: Accept Jesus. Step 2: Tell EVERYBODY. Far be it from me to insinuate that missionaries are the only ones doing missions. I am claiming the opposite, in fact. I think that we all need to start thinking of ourselves as missionaries much more seriously than we do right now. 

Whether God has told you to go or to stay, you are where you are because He has placed you there for a purpose. 

I am advocating for a shift in attitude at a corporate level. I am advocating for a change in the way we as the Body conceptualizes outreach.

So what does this look like on a practical level? For one, it looks like acknowledging that we have occupied a position of social and political power for a long time and still do. It’s acknowledging the privilege inherent in living in a society where our religion has been the default for generations. It’s dismantling the myth that a white, straight man is God’s chosen one. It’s divorcing the church from the culture. It’s confronting the racism, misogyny, homophobia and transphobia within our communities. Yeah, I said it. It should be old news to you that I believe homophobia and transphobia to be theologically unsound and antithetical to the gospel. It’s letting go of our need to have our beliefs respected. Truly. Honestly. It’s accepting that we are not entitled to anybody’s time or ears. It’s working to build relationships, to be present in the community, to earn trust and establish credibility before we even think of asking people to engage with us on matters of life and death. It’s respecting the wounds our predecessors have inflicted on our siblings. It’s trying to be a part of the healing instead of claiming that the wound does not exist, or worse, causing even more pain. It’s putting an immediate halt to any kind of exclusion in our communities. 

What part of unconditional love do we not understand? How do we think we’re being salt and light by gatekeeping the gospel???

Whether we’re called to go or to stay, we’re all missionaries.

I was just looking through your posts and I love what you do. I hope you keep doing it. I grew up in a Christian environment that made me so uncomfortable I had to leave. I haven’t been back since. All I can say is the world needs a voice like yours (especially the Christian world), because you are rare but such a beacon of light for the community. I hope so many people learn from you and find comfort in your words. I absolutely admire your words, such a refreshing perspective.

Wow, thank you so much. That is so kind of you to say and it means a lot to me. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by. Feel free to come back to chat anytime :)

Christianity stands or falls with its revolutionary protest against violence, arbitrariness, and pride of power and with its plea for the weak. Christians are doing too little to make these points clear rather than too much. Christendom adjusts itself far too easily to the worship of power. Christians should give more offense, shock the world far more, than they are doing now. Christians should take a stronger stand in favor of the weak rather than considering first the possible right of the strong.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Sermon on II Corinthians 12:9 (via bonniekristian)

I know how hard it is to talk about Jesus. It’s the most awkward conversation you’ll ever have. If you even say the whole Gospel out loud right now, it sounds like the craziest thing you’ve ever heard. But the Gospel isn’t some ‘speech’ you unload on people and then ‘leave it in God’s hands.’ Blasting people with theology is like serving icing for dessert. Evangelism is your whole life, it’s sharing your home, it’s enduring patiently, it’s being a human being, it’s availability, it’s sharing Jesus through who you are; not perfectly, but passionately. Yes, invite them to church and to that revival and talk about your faith and your testimony, but once you dare to go there, just know you might be rejected immediately, a lot, and aggressively. Except secretly they can’t deny there must be something to it, because you’re not just a billboard: you’re an overflow of a barely containable supernatural miracle.

J.S. Park (via jspark3000)

Kinda urgent (tho it may not sound it) I'm trans and I watched some videos saying bein trans is a sin. This disturbed me deeply. I'm afraid what if God wants me to stop my transition, or else I won't be able to be with him. If thats what Jesus meant by picking up my cross? I don't want to stop transition at all but I don't want to go against Him either. I'm scared and confused. I don't want to think my gender identity is a temptation from Satan since it's so deeply who I am. (1/2)

(2/2) I feel so distraught and like my world is coming apart. I feel distant from God and fearful of Him rather than knowing His love. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do or how to reconcile my gender identity with Him. It’s making me question my faith, when all I want is to be close to God. I know this may not sound urgent but it’s destroying me inside and I don’t know why. Do you have any thoughts on this whole thing? I’m sorry if this is a bother or not seemingly urgent.

Hi there, anon. I’m sorry those videos shook you so much – I’ve been there. It’s sucks, but it’s okay. You’re okay.

First off, I promise that God loves you so, so deeply. And God made you how you are. Jesus came that we might have fullness of life, not to make us live in fear or so that we might continue to live under the chains of social norms. Because the gender binary is a social norm – and we are called not to conform to the world but to be transformed in Christ.

God does not set ultimatums that force us to chop off pieces of ourselves, or squeeze ourselves into boxes that don’t fit, in order to live with God. This post has a quote from a womanist theologian on how God calls us to wholeness, and what that means for LGBT+ Christians in particular. And here is a post with a string of tweets that show how God loves us as we are – rather than saying, “In order to love you, I must make you into something else,” God says, “I receive you as you are – and I come to help you become your fullest, truest self.”

With all of the above information – that God comes to affirm our fullest selves – we do need to take the concept of carrying the cross into account as well. Luckily, Austen Hartke’s Transgender and Christian series has a video on how being trans is not “Our Cross to Bear.” (If you have trouble hearing videos, let me know and I’ll write out a synopsis of the video for you tomorrow!)

His videos “Self Denial or Abundant Life?” and “Abundant Life AND Self Denial?” are also ones that would help you understand how God calls us to abundance that includes transitioning. (Again, let me know if you need a textual summary of the vids.)

Jesus assures us that we can know sin by its fruit, and we can know goodness by its fruit. So let’s look at the fruits of trying to live as cis when we aren’t, versus the fruits of embracing being trans.

Common fruits of living as cis when we aren’t: depression and anxiety from dysphoria; feelings of isolation from other humans and from yourself; feelings of anger, often against God, and thus a lack of strong relationship with God

Common fruits of embracing being trans: gender euphoria!; renewed energy and feelings of joy and thanksgiving that we can use to serve and connect with others as well as to praise God; deeper understandings of ourselves and new experiences that may shape who we are and give us wisdom; a connection to a marginalized community that helps us develop empathy we can use to serve others.

(Some Austen Hartke vids related to these ideas of good fruit: x, x). 

Embracing being trans bears good fruit, while trying to repress it (as well as transphobia) tends to bear harmful fruit. For more on the idea of good fruit, see this tag. Satan is not “making” you trans, because if that were the case, it would not bear good fruit.

God delights in diversity, anon. We are all made so uniquely, with different gifts to offer. I believe being trans is a part of that – we have a unique perspective to offer others – a unique view on our bodies, our minds and spirits, on the gender binary and harmfulness of gender roles, and more. 

Another video to help calm your worries about physically transitioning, this video by Austen is helpful too. 

Here’s a prayer on transitioning that also might help.

For more resources, including responses to common arguments against trans/LGBT people using Scripture, see the “But what does the Bible say?” and the trans section of our resources page. 

I’m going to post now so you’ll have this; I might add to it tomorrow so keep a lookout for updates. Take a look at the links, and take a moment for some self care. Then, if you have more questions, you are welcome to ask them here! We are here for you anon; you are not alone. <3

The greater good is exactly the size of a single human life. The greater good is no greater than the well-being of the lowest member of society. To sacrifice any human for the greater good is to sacrifice the greater good itself.

love.

If Jesus lived today, he would smell like smoke.

Whether it be from pot or from cigarettes or whatever else can be smoked, Jesus would smell like it. Not because he would partake in it himself, but because he would go out of his way to go to where the smokers were. He would go to them and be with them, get to know them and show them that they are worthy of love and that they can be saved from whatever they’re running from.

Jesus would know the sensation of stale beer drying on his shirt because somebody forgot to put their drink down before they hugged him. He’d never get drunk but he might have one beer, maybe two, socializing as he got to know the regulars at the bar. The ones who found their way there day after day, hearts too heavy to do anything but numb the pain. He’d go there and listen to their stories and help carry their burdens, lift them off their shoulders. He would be the person that everybody knew—knew was safe, knew was loving, knew would listen. The bartender would call him the ‘unofficial shrink’, and Jesus would smile and order another glass of water, ready to drive home whoever would need it that night.

He’d know the feel of gauze beneath his fingers as he wrapped it around a friend’s bleeding wrist. He wouldn’t ask, wouldn’t pry, just patiently clean and treat it with careful, calming touches. The story would eventually come tumbling out in the bathroom and Jesus would draw them close, hugging tightly, and do whatever he could to find the best help available when asked, when needed.

He would know the drained, yet relieved, morning after feel the day after (of?) a three a.m. phone call from a person who was desperate, because they didn’t know who else they could turn to. He would know the days when one cup of coffee isn’t enough to wake him up, where two cups of coffee almost doesn’t do it either, but the lethargy and the headache and the bags under his eyes are worth it because the person he was talking to is okay. He would do it again in a heartbeat, too.

He would always have somebody staying in his spare bedroom—if he wasn’t staying in somebody else’s spare bedroom himself. He knows what it is to be without a roof over his head, without a blanket to pull over his cold body, and he would do whatever he could to make sure others didn’t need to experience it—even just for a night. He’d keep an eye out for help wanted ads and help his friends on the street with their resumes and pay for their haircut and nice clothing for the interview, and he’d buy them dinner after whether they got the job or not.

He would know the need to go and grab another box of kleenex as the person at his kitchen table can’t help but cry at the feeling of not being enough, of needing to change themselves before people would love them, before they would be accepted. He would know the heave of their shoulders beneath his hand as he comforted them, reassured them that they are enough, that they are wonderful and beautiful and amazing and loved. So, so loved.

He would know the feeling of a tight bank account, not because he doesn’t know how to manage his finances, but because there are other people who need it more. Who need food for their families and clothing for their children and money for their rent. He would give of himself and build relationships with these people, connections with them, encouraging them to keep going. To keep striving. That life isn’t out to get them, and that they can succeed.

He would know the pain of a harsh word, thrown at him by a hurting soul, and he would stand tall and take it because sometimes a broken heart just needs to shout.

If Jesus lived today, he would smell like smoke. Not because he approves or because he doesn’t care, but because he knows that to love isn’t just being pleasant to other people and giving them a smile, it’s crawling into the trenches with them.

how do you feel about sex before marriage? where do you draw the line? i'm struggling myself in a new relationship. I don't know what's ok before marriage and what isn't for me. what are your opinions.

Okay, so…given my lifestyle in 2014, it would be hypocritical and counterproductive for me to tell you, “you can’t do anything! nothing at all! hands off! this is a kissing-only zone!”. Not only because that is not representative of all of my experiences, but also because it doesn’t really help you arrive at any kind of real conclusion for yourself. If you are a Christian like me and believe the Bible, you would agree that God is pretty clear about the “no sex before marriage” thing. What sometimes gets debated depending on people’s interpretation of the Bible is what actually, *teeeeeeechnically* constitutes sex. Mainly I think that this is because we tend to look for loopholes so that we can do the stuff we want to do without having to feel guilty about it because it’s “not technically sinning”. So you’ll see different definitions from different people. Some would say that “real sex” is only the insertional kind, that is, the kind when the penis enters the vagina. So not only is that super heteronormative and binarist, it’s also a very conveniently technical definition, which ignores how very nuanced the situation is. Some would tell you that the only thing you’re allowed to do before marriage is kissing. Some would say it’s not even that. One of my friends has a definition of sex that dictates that all parties involved must have an orgasm for it to be sex, which essentially disqualifies a lot of heterosexual encounters. I have a broader definition. I personally think that anything involving the genitals qualifies as sex. Whether it’s hands or mouth down there, or even if there’s layers of fabric in between, I think it still counts. This definition has not been formed based on theoretical morals or a sense of superiority. It reflects my personal experiences. And based on this definition, I’m not really uptight about wandering hands, as long as they avoid the crotch. That right there is a stance that’s quite a bit more liberal than some people. 

Now, all that being said, my personally-held belief is that God tells us not to have sex before marriage to protect us, and to preserve the sacred bond of matrimony. Lots of people use sex as an easy high (like I used to) but its real purpose (besides reproduction) is to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Sex causes the release of the hormone oxytocin, colloquially dubbed “the cuddle hormone” which gives you all the warm and fuzzy feelings and makes you feel attached to the person you had sex with. That’s why casual sex has the potential to be really emotionally and psychologically damaging if someone doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. But sex has been God-ordained to build intimacy between you and the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. 

So the first question you really need to ask yourself is “when do my actions cross the line from fun, playful and affirming, into intimacy-building territory?” And you will know. That oxytocin is powerful stuff, man. The level of trust and vulnerability you need to be intimate with another human is no trifling thing and you will know when you feel like you’re building bonds with this person that might need to be saved for a later time and a more cemented relationship. You will also know when you’ve achieved a level of intimacy with someone that you weren’t ready for. My hope for you is that you never experience that, because it kinda sucks. So you need to figure out where your own line is for you. I’ve told you what my definition is. That being said, have I always and do I always adhere strictly to my own boundaries? No. Because once you’ve crossed the line, you become desensitized, and it’s hard to go back. So the best piece of advice I can give you is to be proactive and figure out where your line is before you cross it by accident, cause it’s a lot harder to cross back to the other side of the line. In saying that, I must caution you that the line is in different places for different people, and you may be less desensitized that I am, so just be careful to figure out where your line really is. And your line might be different from your person’s line, and then it comes down to not causing other people to stumble. So it’s important to know where your line is and where your partner’s is, so that you both can feel safe and comfortable and at peace with the physical aspect of your relationship. 

The second question you need to ask yourself is “how close do I want to get to the line?” That translates to, “where are wandering hands allowed to go?”, or “in what situations will we allow ourselves to experience that closeness?” (hint: in bed in an empty house is a bad idea if you’re not so great in the self control area) and “are clothes coming off or staying on?” It can be a really slippery slope, and the more “breathing room” you give yourself, the happier it will be. If you go aaaaall the way right up to the line the very first time, you’ve put yourself in a very precarious position because one little slip up could be disastrous. If you start off far away from the line, a little slip up is like “oh okay, still not a big deal because we still haven’t totally crossed the line.” 

I do not want you to experience the guilt and shame that I experienced, the stuff that comes with moving too fast and not caring enough. So like, go you for asking this question and for giving it some thought. I know it can be really tricky. I encourage you to think long and hard about it so that you can be proactive and so that you know what choice you’re making. I am not a huge believer in like “oh it just happened! it was an accident!” I think you need to know what you’re doing and you need to own it. 

Finally, be gracious with yourself. I know you’re gonna work really hard at this, but we are not perfect people, and if human nature is any indication, you’re probably going to make mistakes. You are not damaged goods. You are not ruined. A friend of mine once told me that grace is not a once had, once lost kind of thing, and neither is purity. Yeah, sexual sin is given a fair amount of screen time in the Bible, and I believe that is because of the repercussions that sexual promiscuity can have for us in this lifetime. But all sin is equal in the sight of God, which means that yes all sin is equally transgressive but also all sin is equally forgivable. Do not permanently condemn yourself for anything, because God doesn’t do that and neither should we. 

And of course, the best advice is to keep God at the centre of your relationship and pray about your relationship. If your ultimate goal is to foster a God-honouring relationship, it’s a lot harder to disobey him in that relationship. 

Good luck! If you know me in real life you’re more than welcome to contact me through any medium to chat more. If not, you can always ask me more questions here. 

Peace and love! 

- Katherine

I find it really interesting that you only need to know three things about me in order to know absolutely everything about me. If I were to tell you that I have the spiritual gift of mercy, that my personality is ENFP, and that I exhibit maladaptive perfectionism, you would have all the information you’d ever need to predict exactly how I will behave in literally any given situation. You’d be able to learn my moral code of ethics, my motivation, my strengths and weaknesses, my decision-making process, my bad habits, my unhealthy behaviours, and my coping mechanisms. Which means that you’d already know me far better than I ever want anyone to know me. What’s truly funny about all of this is that all those things are Nature, not Nurture. I was hardwired that way. That’s just who I am as a person. And I am physically incapable of behaving in a way that is contrary to my nature. I’m basically programmed that way. I’m essentially a robot obeying commands. I’m so easily summarized by a few choice labels. I’m nothing more than the combination of a select few traits. And I’m thoroughly predictable. 

A PSA for all the white, straight, cisgendered, able-bodied, neurotypical peeps.

You are privileged. 

If you are all of the things listed in that title, then you are VERY privileged. 

If you are not aware of your privilege, it’s because that’s how privilege works. You don’t see the disadvantages other people face because those disadvantages don’t exist for you. You don’t see social inequalities because society was designed for you to move through it with ease. Society was built by people like you for people like you. That’s privilege. 

But also, if you’re not aware of your privilege, or - even worse - if you willfully deny the existence of said privilege, you’re either blind or selfish or some arrogant, ignorant combination of the two. 

FURTHERMORE. When someone tells you that you are privileged, that is not a personal affront?? Nobody is attacking you by telling you that you’re privileged. They’re just stating a fact. E.g. Me saying “you are privileged.” is not an attack. Me saying “you’re either blind or selfish or some arrogant, ignorant combination of the two.” is an attack. You see the difference? Good. I regret nothing. Moving on. 

I understand that being privileged can feel uncomfortable because it’s like daily, societal survivor’s guilt. I understand that you don’t want to talk about how life is easier for you than for your friend/coworker/family member because of the colour of your skin, or your gender identity, or your sexual orientation, or your genetics. Nobody has any control over that. And yeah, I get it. You’re a good person. You would never oppress anybody because of any of those things. 

STOP BEING AN OVERLY SENSITIVE BABY. This. Is. Not. About. You. Suck it up and face the facts: we live in a deeply unjust society, and you’re on the benefitting side of that injustice. Getting offended about it when someone points out your privilege doesn’t help. Denying your privilege doesn’t help. Making up some stupid reverse kind of discrimination doesn’t help. Claiming that you can’t be privileged because your life sucks doesn’t help. Feeling guilty about it doesn’t help. 

Literally the only appropriate response to your own privilege is to acknowledge it, acknowledge that other people are not so privileged, use your privilege to draw attention to the fact that not everyone is privileged, and work to correct social inequalities. That’s it. Do that. Instead of getting blustery and defensive when someone tells you that you’re privileged, just go do that. ffs. 

Today I want all Christians who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, trans men, trans women, nonbinary, genderfluid, and all sexualities and genders to realize that it is okay to be you and be Christian. Jesus loves us for who we are, and loved us enough to die on a cross for us.

Don’t worry about being non-straight or non-cisgender at your church. You can still worship, and bless the Lord, no matter how you are.

You are loved.

I am lying here thinking about how I literally cannot fathom that we live in a world that actually makes people feel bad about who they are. Like, this actually boggles my mind. That with 7 billion humans on this planet, some humans tell other humans that they’re being a human wrong. There is no wrong way to be a human. Sometimes, when I take a moment to come up for air, and I have this brief shining clarity, I am overwhelmed with outrage. Because how is it possibly acceptable for someone to feel inferior due to the traits that make them unique? Someone please try and explain this to me. I dare you to try and make this make sense. Out of all the glorious diversity of human life, some traits were labelled “right” and some were labelled “wrong”, and due to these completely arbitrary and 100% fake standards, humans give themselves the right to discriminate against other humans. Are you hearing this? Are you understanding the sheer absurdity of the world we live in? The worst part is that it’s not even anything these people have a choice about. It’s not like they did someone really shitty to deserve some kind of negative reaction. No no, this is literally how they were born and they have no control over it. And our world now somehow works in such a way that they are made to feel that that’s bad somehow?! Stuff like skin colour or gender or sexual orientation? That stuff is the stuff that condemns you?! All things that - really - at the end of the day, don’t matter. Things that are used to divide people because we’ve created these false barriers between one another. This is literally insane! This is complete and utter madness! This makes zero sense at all! The world is so messed up! How the heck did we manage to created a world wherein people actually feel like they cannot be who they truly are? What have we done?! WE MESSED UP! Oh my gosh I hate this world so much.

To all my girls who feel like you don't like the way you look (all of you. every single one.***)

1. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Your body is not a problem to be covered and hidden. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about any part of you. Your body is literally just the vehicle you use to interact with the physical world. It doesn’t have to be anything other than exactly what it is. Often, the parts of our physical appearance that we perceive as flaws are not actually inherently negative. They’re just there, and we’ve somehow developed the idea that they’re bad. (Don’t EVEN get me started on how capitalism is the source of all evil, and how advertising manipulates our self image so we hate ourselves.) They don’t detract from your value.

2. Spring boarding off that first point, you are not obliged to look any which way.

There’s no official rule book for how you “should” present yourself (no matter what the magazines say). I hope that you find joy and creativity in personal expression, instead of pressure to conform. Nobody, not friends, family, movies, music, magazines, advertising, and ESPECIALLY not fabricated societal standards of beauty, can tell you how to look. Many may try, and the societal standards are the WORST, but your appearance is none of their business.

3. If you can, try to consciously avoid comparing yourself to other girls.

There are as many kinds of beautiful as there are people in the world. Her beauty doesn’t cancel out yours. You can celebrate her beauty and your own simultaneously. In fact, celebrating other peoples’ diverse beauty gives you a deeper appreciation for your unique beauty. And you are beautiful, my darling. I hope you can choose to believe that.

4. Wear whatever the heck you want.

Do whatever the heck you want. There is no such thing as like “______ girls shouldn’t wear this” and “girls with _____ shouldn’t wear that.” If you like it, wear it! Because if you like it and you think it’s pretty then you’ll feel good wearing it. And that’s the goal here.

5. This is the most important one: your identity has nothing to do with your appearance.

I mean, I personally believe that your identity has nothing even to do with your body. I am so here for body positivity because heck yes, everybody is beautiful. I affirm that. But you are so much more than your body. And beautiful is not the loftiest goal we should be aiming for. You are so much more than beautiful. You are smart, kind, radiant, and powerful. You are love, you are altruism, you are music. You are the spirit of the divine; your soul does not belong to this world. Only your body does. So don’t waste too much time worrying about a body that only exists in this fragile, temporary world. There are far greater things inside of you. Your body can barely contain them.

***ESPECIALLY trans girls