Paradox

I’m unmedicated, all my thoughts are free range and organic

maybe I'm so cliché because for once I just want to feel like I'm normal

Your love is like a black hole

As I fall, time slows down

Until I reach the singularity

And it completely absorbs me

another depressive episode yippee

Inconvenience

It's funny how ‘inconvenience’ starts with an ‘I’. I was born an inconvenience. Ever since I can remember, I've always been told how much I'm a bother to others. How much I cost to keep around.

I can't talk too loud, laugh too loud, talk in front of elders, or take up my own space. I’m not allowed to. Be. Human. I'm not a person, just an ornament for decoration.

You made me feel like I wasn't worth it. Wasn't enough. And like a fool, I believed it. Internalized it. Became it.

Now I'm afraid to talk to people. I'm afraid of being too loud, afraid of taking up too much space. You ask me why I'm always quiet, but you never even gave me a voice. I make myself as small as possible, but I still feel like an inconvenience.

You never allowed me to be myself. And now I don't even know who I am.

I can't laugh in front of others, so I just smile like a broken doll that's empty on the inside. People ask me why I'm always smiling. And maybe it's because I did become that showpiece on display.

I never asked for a lot, because maybe if I required less, I wouldn't be an inconvenience. Maybe if I settled for the bare minimum, people wouldn't have to go out of their way for me.

It didn't work.

You would rather I didn't exist than me become an inconvenience to you or anybody else. I was always the problem, the one to blame. The scapegoat.

And what did I ever do? I just existed. That too not of my own volition. You brought me here, but you made me pay for my existence.

But to be honest, I’m tired of this. Tired of playing your twisted game where you designed the rules to serve yourself. Tired of trying to make myself invisible. Tired of being an inconvenience to you and everyone around me.

I just hope my death isn't an inconvenience.

the moments after hanging out with friends when you just feel so lonely <<<

I think one of the worst symptoms of bpd is the lack of emotional permanence no matter how many good and loving people you have in your life the second you are alone it feels like you were never loved and it was all just a figment of your imagination

— Clementine Von Radics, from In A Dream You Saw A Way To Survive; "The Fear" (via lunamonchtuna)

Bittersweet

I love you and hate you, both at the same time.

I love the way you say my name, but I hate that it's always out of disappointment.

I love the way you smile, but I hate that it's never towards me.

I love the way you talk, but I hate that you would never talk to me first.

I love the way you look, but I hate that you never look at me.

I love the way you care about others, but I hate that you never care about me.

I love the way you pay attention to detail, but I hate that I'm the only one you ignore.

I love the way you just exist. But I hate that it wouldn't matter to you if I didn't.

I hate loving you.

But you love hating me.

what is anger if not pain in disguise?