Tiredbirdnerd

I NEED A HIMBO

IM HOLDING OUT FOR A HIMBO TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT

hes gotta be strong

and hes gotta be fast

and hes gotta be dumb and polite

Hi hi I have been lurking on this app for years and I’m finally saying fuck it and posting some of my writing soon, maybe, possibly :) I’ve been sharing with a close friend for awhile and now im gonna hand it to strangers on tumblr yay

I do love the phrase executive dysfunction bc the image it conjures is of a bunch of people wearing business suits around a long oval conference table  arguing with each other to the point where they’re getting into physical fights, but in the background there’s just a big empty whiteboard with a To Do list with one item on it and that item is “take shower”

I bet you work at the anti-soup kitchen, which steals soups from the poor. 

i know some naughty words that will really knock your socks off

"I killed another houseplant bc of executive dysfunction"

Mundane

Evokes helplessness

Kind of a bummer

"Plagued by demons as I am, my crops have withered yet again"

Powerful imagery

Frames you as a gothic protagonist

Emphasizes that you are hounded by demons

How fucking cool are demons???

The YouTube channel anti-chef always adds an extra bay leaf to recipes that call for it and he says “and add another one. I’m not driving” and this has permanently altered my vocabulary.

Every time I add something extra to a recipe I say that now. Add another clove of garlic, I’m not driving. Let’s have two eggs, I’m not driving. Let’s double the chili flakes, I’m not driving.

Quietly losing my mind over the fact that Elon Musk has straight up orchestrated a coup of our executive branch and like....I don't even know what, if any, system we have in place to fix this. Like... He's just taken control of the money and locked out the actual appointed officials. What the fuck.

right now, somewhere in the world, there is a beautiful person scrolling tumblr.

tragically though, this beautiful person has a headache. their head hurts.

this is very unfair to them. they are very pretty, but for no reason their head is hurting.

if you know of anybody scrolling tumblr right now, who might have a bit of a headache, please ask them to take an ibuprofen, drink some water, do whatever might make them feel better.

it is tragic that such a beautiful person has a headache. the world is a vampire. I can only hope that this message may reach them

me analyzing someones account to see if the absolutely depraved, raunchy, desperate shit im about to say about someones character is out of place or not