Sometimes, It Is Not Always What You See Or What You Hear. There's Always More To It. And Never A Single

You know that feeling of wanting to do a lot and have so much plan that you can even imagine yourself in the next few years but you just don't know how to or what to do to reach that place. I'm feeling lost!!

Should I be proud of myself or not 

Me to my crush

I won't say that I'm happy with your decision. I will also never say that I hate you for the decision you made. Because I believe you know your life and your dream so well than me or than anyone else. I believe that you know what you are doing and you are doing it for yourself. For yourself only.

All I want to say is I may not be happy with your decision but I will always support and cheer for you in your life. Because you are one of them who made me laugh when I don't even wanted to smile. The jokes of yours that made me laugh, the lessons I learnt from you, the time I spent with you and the memories we made together I will never ever forget them in my life. There were sometimes I wish it could be great if I too have the same attitude like you. But during those times you proved me that there can be only one like you. That's the reason why you were loved, being loved and will be loved by a lots of people.

As a friend and as a well wisher i would like to wish all the very best for your future endeavors. Be yourself and dont worry about what other might think. No matter how hard it gets, be brave and face it. I hope you'll always remember me like i remember you. All the best and I'm surely gonna miss you. Lots of love from me 💕💐

Hwaiting with your new life. Begin the new chapter of your life with a smile... oops! with a laugh on your face like you always do. Love you 😘

Let’s appreciate Jin cuz the hate toward him is reallY MAKING ME WANNA IMPLODE WITH ANGER. Anyway :)

-he was the one to help Jimin out of his anorexia

Edit- I’m very sorry I said he was anorexic. A friend of mine had told me he was actually diagnosed with it years ago and instead of actually doing research on it, I just listened to her. That’s my fault, I’m sorry! I won’t take it out of the post because I’m not going to pretend like I never said it. Thank you to those who told me politely about my mistake.

-he talked Jungkook out of dropping out of school and even drove him to school

-he used his own allowance money to buy food and other necessities for the members back when they were struggling financially

-he helped Jungkook get over his home sickness and convinced him not to leave and go back to Busan by showing him around Seoul and taking care of him like a brother

-he always stays next to Namjoon during big interviews because it makes Namjoon feel better

-he offered to let Tae sleep in his bed with him when he found out Tae was having bad dreams

-he supports and takes care of Yoongi and has always been a good hyung towards him even though Yoongi isn’t that much younger than him

-he always praises Hobi for his amazing dancing skills and reinforces Hobi’s confidence in his appearance often

-he does sooo much for army and makes such an effort to show us how much he appreciates us and loves us

-he didn’t have any singing or dancing experience before bts and he worked sooooo hard to achieve everything he has today (his voice sounds like heaven now and his dancing has gotten infinitely better)

-he is naturally shy, so much that his ears turn red when he has attention on him, yet he does silly things like his glasses events to make us laugh even though he feels embarrassed

-he teaches us to be confident and love ourselves (as do the other members)

-he has worked through his own mental health issues to help armies to improve ours

-he has stayed with us through such hard times, even when people give him hate (WHICH HE NEVER DESERVED, HENCE THIS ENTIRE POST)

-he is his own beautiful, amazing, encouraging, brave, talented, hardworking, world wide handsome self

GE15 - 19/11/2022

The life I always wanted

I used to be that kind of person who was ready to do anything or more specifically ready to study about anything if that career or job can provide me with a big sum of money. Even when I choose to become a lawyer at the beginning, that was the only reason. The money and fame lawyers have. I wanted that. I even once considered to change that option to a prosecutor (after watching one K-drama) for the only reason if being a prosecutor can give me high status in the society and if I am able to earn a huge sum of money. All my life that has been my only purpose. To earn. To earn a lot of money. A lot. In a honest way. When I knew I didn't have any talents, I chose education as my path. If I could study for a job that could provide me with a huge sum of money, I was so ready to go on that direction. It was the same case, when I checked out food scientist career opportunities. Or every job I looked up for, salary was the first thing I would searched for. And when I encountered toxicology, and found out that toxicology can give me more money, I decided to take that as my degree. Unfortunately, Malaysia didn't had the degree for toxicology. So, I took forensic science as my first option during UPU selection. So I can continue my Masters degree and PhD in toxicology and aimed to worked as a forensic toxicologist. I was very happy with my decision. I thought that after I got my first choice, I can easily go on with my plan and become a forensic toxicologist and live the luxurious life I always wanted with the five to six digit salary I'm going to get. (This was also the very reason why I suddenly became interested in virology after Chan Ammai sent me that picture and asked me to study for that. Because virology provide much more high salary than toxicology does. So I became interested.) Sounds great, doesn't it? And this was also the reason I stressed myself out during SPM and when in matriculation. Because I wanted that perfect score or I was scared that I wouldn't make it. I was scared that I couldn't make it through the heavy competition and won't get the course I wanted. With education being the only hope I had and with no other talent or backup support, it was a life or death situation for me. That was how desperate I was for that life I wanted. I believed that with a high paying job, I can afford the life I wanted.

But at one point in my life, I started looking for what I really like. I started looking for that thing that could make me feel alive. Could it be after I got Marine Biology for my Bachelors degree and not the forensic science I much prayed and hoped for? Or could it be the influence of my very own Bangtan boys who always urged me to love myself and speak myself and helped me do so too? Or could it be the dark phase I had while in Matriculation (and SPM too, probably) that I didn't want to the same to happen to myself again? That one day I started wondering what I really like. Something that would make your heart beat and make me feel alive and wants to live. So, that I won't have regrets in my life. So, my journey to find what I like went on and on but I never was able to find what makes my heart beat. That one thing I really like. At least, not yet. How unfortunate, you could think.

But you know something? Be it the day I was preparing for my UPSR till this very day, I have never ever once imagined myself in a small house or holding a ordinary job. I has always been grand. ALWAYS. And I can say with confident that that is what I want. The life I always wanted. There is where my happiness lies. I believe that. I have imagined my future self doing a lot things. Like doing to overseas for further studies, dining with friends in a large restaurant and showing off how much I have came so they would regret leaving me. Going on travelling. Shopping for lot of cool stuffs all over the world. Imaging myself designing the house I want. Thinking of what furniture to appliances I want. Making a own room for BTS and a home library. Going plastic free and installing solar panel. Attaching one in my parents home too. Buying them flight tickets for they can travel the world too. And remember how I wanted to buy Acca a football ticket for Manchester United match at their home game (?). And above all, seeing myself driving that Tesla! This is what I want. The prayer I always put in front of God. And I will never ever trade this dream life of mine for anything.

So, I asked myself. Will I be content with doing a simple ordinary job as long as it can provide me with food and a home? Am I ready to settle for anything as long as I am doing what I like? Or do I want something more than so-called ordinary life?

Honestly, I have never ever imagine myself settling for less. Never. Not even once. So, what I have to do is, very simple. Do anything that will take me to this life. The life Loweena always wanted. The life Loweena believed that would make her happy, very happy. The life the old Loweena wanted. The life this Loweena will work hard for.

And, with this in mind, let's choose our fyp!! Remember, to do what you need to do, you don't have to be hard on yourself. That was our biggest mistake that brought us into that dark phase. Take it slowly. It doesn't matter as long as you reach that life you wanted. You don't have to rush. That live is awaiting us. We just need to choose the correct path to reach there even if we were to go very slowly. Remember how you want to take a break before continuing your Masters. It wasn't because you are not interest in doing Masters but have to do it anyways that you're doing it. It was because it is a reward you want to give yourself. So that you won't pressure yourself. So that, we can earn money by working and buy ourselves everything we wants before continuing the journey.

It will be all fine. Believe in yourself. Please.

So the club I am part of is planning on doing some projects and they're apparently looking for program director to lead the programs. I would like to apply myself for the position but I am so scared of doing it. Because of some not good events from my past, I could seem to bring myself forward for any kind of events. I am scared that I'm going to be lost with no help or get myself stressed while working on the project. What if I really got lost without any help? What if I fail to finish the project and embarrass my advisor too? These questions are torturing me. I don't think I can ever stand my lecturer or my educator looking at me with that humiliating face as if I'm useless one more time. I don't even have any friends or just anyone to rely on. I really really wish to overcome this fear of mine. But it's too hard to do it. It's very scary despite my desire. What should I do?

The choice I don't regret taking

When I first went for walk in vaccination after it took too long to get my mysejahtera appointment, they were jabbing Sinovac on that day. So, I was asked, if I want to take Sinovac now or take Pfizer later. Basically I was given choice between Siinovac and Pfizer. So, I chose Pfizer.

The very next day. I was asked by this one person - who I don't want to reveal the identity of - that why I refused to take Sinovac and why does it have to be Pfizer. She/He even asked me what is wrong with Sinovac and that all the vaccines are vaccines, so why choose. So, I told them that I was given a choice and I decided the one i think i want. It wasn't like I got my mysejahtera vaccination appointment, then i went to the PPV, got to knew it was Sinovac, then i reject. NO. It was a walk in. And I decided not to take it then, because I had enough time and most importantly another choice. So, I chose it and believing choosing is my personal thing/right, I stand on my point. Even when there was someone 'questioning' me.

Now, look what has happened. Everyone with Sinovac double dose, must take their booster or their vaccination status will be reduced. So, if I had taken Sinovac back then and wasn't able to get booster on time now, it would've been a disaster for me. I wouldn't have been able to travel anywhere, not even to back home. And that's it. The choice I don't regret taking. Thanks to God for giving me choice and proud of myself for making the right decision.

I'm tired of surviving. I want to start living.