And Failed  - Blog Posts

*Shakes flames off hand from drawing and editing so much* Worth it! Here's the project I've been working on for your AU @farvaduvet :)

This is a short little tweened amv centered around Pit and Wilted Pit, and their insecurities. Very fun to draw and edit, half pain half fun to tween/animate, and an overall success! I experimented a lot and it turned out very close to how I envisioned it. Still some flaws here and there, but I really like how it turned out ^^

More about the video in my tags! I also am working on one more small video related to your AU. That one has no angst, it's just a really funny idea to me. You'll see :)

Song: Beatophone by Caravan Palace

There this really nice tree(something pear tree, I think) in my front yard that recently started blooming! I try to take a pic or two before school, I if can!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sickening. Truly sickening.

I've seen the "Oscar looks at Carlos like he took his virginity and never called back" sooo many times, so here is my take on this.

(i also should be writing my thesis rn and not this😩)

"If he can move on, so can you." told himself Oscar. Many times. Every time he sees Carlos actually. And the truth is he tries, he really tries and he wants this, he even needs this. But he can't. The feelings inside him are all over the place. One moment he hates the guy with all his might, the next he is pitying himself and before he could realise the thoughts are straying. Thinking back to that night. The touches and kisses and whispers and everything. And he still remembers the night in great detail. Every moment. Thinks about it when he closes his eyes for sleep, first thing in the morning, second thing in the morning, while brushing his teeth, getting ready, driving. Thinks about it almost every time. Except when he is racing. So that is what he does every free minute he has. It certainly doesn't help that Carlos races too. But at least he could blame him for the mistakes on track. Does not make things better, but at least helps a little with taking the steam off. And at the end of the day he tells himself again "He has moved on, your turn." He doesn't.

And it absolutely pisses him off how Carlos makes it seem like it isn't a big deal. And what Oscar knows it may have not been. It's Carlos that took Oscars's virginity not vice versa. The fact that Oscar has a crush on Carlos since the beginning of times also does not help his case. But to be fair who doesn't. He was still questioning his sexuality when he first saw Carlos in Torro Rosso, so he immediately decided he is bi, which morphed into gay in less than a year. And when we talk crush, we downplay it for the sake of Oscar. Because it is embarassing enough already as it is that the guy who took his virginity, when he was a reserve driver for Alpine and McLaren, acts like he don't exist, don't need to add to that the angsty love he feels. It's not like it's been 3 years since then (it's been). He can't move on. He can't find love in other place, because he still dreams of the one he cannot have.

So yeah, Oscars's life really. At least he could still call him out on the track.

"Mate, is Carlos blind or what."

"Typical Carlos. Nothing changed i see."

"He just turned into me like i didn't exist."

And it hurt so fucking much, because he did exist, and it hurts because he really really has a crush(notlove) on Carlos, who just doesn't acknowledge him. He doesn't feel better after all this pulling by pigtails he did with Carlos. He hurts so much he has seriously considered begging him to at least look at him some times the same as that night.

Today was another eventful day, as in race day, as in he again bickered on radio about Carlos. Actually it wasn't even something worth mentionig, he just did because he could. Carlos had a lock-up somewhere in the middle of the race and Oscar felt the need to push the radio button and say "What is wrong with this guy, can't he drive." The silence on the other side was telling enough, and if it wasn't the daggers Carlos sent him post-race were an absolute giveaway. Oh well, someone must have told him about it. Anyway, not a terrible race per se. P5 is nothing good, but he qualified poorly so he did his best. Carlos on the other hand just missed on a podium, so his mood was worse, it could be seen by the way he talked and how he just wanted to get out of there. Frankly, they all did.

It was already extremely late when Oscar left his driver room, he could not find strenght to go to the hotel. He waved to some mechanics who were still wrapping up some things and made his way towards his parking spot. It was greatly illuminated so he could see a figure leaning against his car. A familiar figure. Carlos' figure. He swallowed nervously as he aproaced his car.

- What is your problem? - asked the man, still leaning on Oscars's car, crossed arms, frown face and all gorgeousnes present. Oscar watched the mouth move, then hea heard the question, delayed. What do you even mean is my problem? You are my problem. You and your shitty attitude, and all the pretending Oscar doesn't exist, and your full lips and big brown eyes and nice hair. But he doesn't say that, he says...

- What? - because what. That question can mean anything, so lets not get ahead of things, maybe Carlos is not here to fight him. At least they are talking now. You could say it is an acknowledgement.

- What.is.your.problem? - accentuates the older one every word. Oscar felt a digit point in his chest at every word, even if Carlos' hands stayed crossed on his chest, and oh boy what arms are those. The face Oscar had on was probably one of confuse, because he heard a sigh, and that made him look back at the mans' face, where there was no frown anymore just an exasperated expression. - Oscar... - oh boy, it happened, he, after three years heard his first name from those lips, not Piastri, not that McLaren, but Oscar. He genuinely could not care less about what was Carlos about to say, at least they are on first name basis now. Well Oscar always was, he held into that one with a dead grip, it was the only thing he could have of Carlos. - Do you even hear me?

- What. Oh sorry, mate. I probably spaced out. You said something? - he could not hear a single word after his name. Phatetic, he knows that. So what, sue him if he is in love has a crush.

- Don't mate me. - ouch harsh, it's not like he said something bad, what could he have said instead. - I do not get you. One time you call me a bad driver and now i am your mate? Can you make up your mind already? Are we enemies or are we "mates". - well it's not really his place to decide, Carlos decided all on his own already, so why is he complaining.

- What does it matter what i call you? It's not like you even acknowledge my prensence. For your information, i am also a racer, not some staff member you never saw, who you could just pass and not even nod. - it sounded more hurt that he planned, but that doesn't matter, he is hurt after all.

- How is that my fault? - asks the man in front of him, now on a slightly higher tone.

- Want to tell me it's mine? The first two months that i was in the paddock as a rookie driver i smiled and nodded to everyone, i even tried to fist bump you two times, but you ignored it and walked away. So i don't think it is my fault, mate.

- Come on, Oscar, we both know it started before your rookie year, even if you like to pretend it did not happen. - and what, rewind that again, he likes to pretend it didn't happen? It being the sex or is Oscar reading it wrong.

- I like to pretend it didn't happen? - those were some news.

- Don't pretend to be a fool, we both know you are a smart boy. - THAT did not help Oscar concentrate, just made him horny. Damned praise kink.

- No i am not. Pretending i mean. I literally don't know what you are talking about.

- The night we had sex? - the man said it with a raised eyebrow and oh fuck Oscar is starting to blush. He may not be still a virgin, but he still blushes like one.

- No, that i know. What do you mean I am the one to pretend like it didn't happen? I just told you that the next time we saw each other, you didn't even nod back, just completely ignored me.

- Because these are your words?

- My words? - could only repeat Oscar.

- Yeah, that night you told me, and i quote "please, pretend it never happened". - What, because what. He does not remember that, and he remembers everything from that night. The "Hi, i am Carlos. Hi i know. I mean i am Oscar. Nice to meet you." The whole converstation at the party. The drive to the hotel. The "i am a virgin". The "we can stop if you want". The ferm "no". All the prep work, the prelude, the sex, and the aftercare. Okay that one is a little bit rusty in his memory, but can you blame him, he just had the most amazing orgasm in his life, he spaced out a little. And then he remember waking up to an empty hotel room, no Carlos, no note, no nothing. So no he does not remember these words.

- I didn't! I never could. - he hates how his voice cracked up and betrayed him like that, but it was true, Carlos was his first love crush and only, because he could not fall in love with someone else, if he have not falled out of love.

- Oscar, i am not lying to you. - the mans' voice softened up a little, like he was about to hug him, even if that was not posibble, right? - I promise i am not lying, i remember that night very well. I was wiping you up with a wet cloth and you told me to pretend it didn't happen. I asked you again, because i thought i heard you wrong just for you to repeat the same and add that it is embarassing. - No, no, no it cannot be right, he must be lying because, he remebers Carlos wiping him because he refused to move and get a full bath, and there were no such words OHFUCK there were. But not how Carlos interpreted them. - Yeah, i see it on your face you remebered now, so if you could from now on refrain from trashtalking so much i would be delighted.

- No, wait. - Oscar stopped him by the forearm, when Carlos was about to leave. - Please, it's not like that, i mean i didn't mean it like that. I could never be embarassed by having sex with you. I mean i was embarassed because you know first time and with the man i had a crush on since forever, so i hoped i wouldn't ruin something. But when you were umhh...when we finished i told you i was in love with you since i was fifteen, and so THAT was the thing i was embarassed, not by you. - So that was a misunderstanding, and they could have been talking all the time till now? Damn him. They even could've been friends by now.

- Oh. - It's not Carlos' place to say oh, it's Oscars' because he js the one who confesed his love since he was fifteen twice. As if it was not embarassing enough the first time. - So, you are not embarassed by me? - Oscar shook his head so violently it hurts. God, never. - And you don't feel the need to pretend like it never happened? - again, because he already said too much, he now only feels the need to keep his mouth shut. - And if i want to kiss you, i can? - he started to shook his head again, until the question was delivered to his head and that made him almost pop his eyes out of orbit.

- What.

- I said can i kis-

- That i heard i mean why? - he must've gotten deaf, because there is no way Carlos said that.

- Because i' ve been craving to do so since i first saw you in the paddock as a reserve driver and that night only amplified the want. You have no idea how much i want you. Even if you are a brat.

- No.

- I can't kiss you? I thought you said you were in love with me. - IAM.

- No, i mean i am, but no it can't be happening. - he could feel his eyes filling with water as he heard the words he imagined every night for years. But he was a big boy so he would not cry. Now.

- Me liking you? - asked the man confused.

- That. - his head was spining, he was on a roller coaster, better yet, he was dreaming, he must have fallen asleep in his driver room, because that cannot be happening. Even if he imagined that in great detail. So what. He has a great fantasy

- But i do. - he feels strong arms steading him, rubbing a little up and down on his own arms, huh he didn't feel the cold night air till now. - Why do you think i aproached you at that party? I saw you and remembered seeing you in the paddock and thinking you are cute, so i decided it was nice to speak to you, at least after it was announced you would drive for McLaren. I especially liked the statement you posted. And when speaking i saw your bunny teeth and rosy cheecks and i absolutely adored it. I feel like it was a mistake going to the hotel first and not a first date, but what's done can't be undone. So now, when we established that i like you and you like me, can we go on a date?

- To a hotel? - he could't pass the opportunity to make fun of Carlos, even when he just confessed to him. And frankly he got what he always wanted.

- I take back everything i said, except when i called you a brat, go on a date alone. - the man started walking towards his car, when Oscar embraced him from behind.

- I am sorry, i just love teasing you. But yes we can go on a date and you can kiss me, see if it makes me shut up.

- Lucky me i like doing that, but i also like you loud.

There was a long way ahead of them in their relationship. Whatever that is. But they already wasted two years, they are not gonna waste any more.