Batfamily Headcanons - Blog Posts

Bernard dowd is barbie and Tim drake is Ken and I don't think I need to elaborate it is purely fact

Tim: what's the meanest thing you've ever done?

Jason: i know you expect me to say trying to beat you to death that one time, but in the league i once told Damian that Talia was lying about his heritage to manipulate Batman and his actual father was Lex Luthor. so that.

Tim: ?!

Jason: yeah i faked a DNA test to prove it and he believed me for like 4 months.

Tim: holy shit

Jason: to be honest the meanest part was probably putting hair removal cream in his shampoo and convincing him he was going bald due to genetics. he was nine.

Tim: you are my hero. hear me say these words. I. Love. You.

Jason: i know buddy. i know.

Tim, slightly drunk: I told you all that I lost my spleen, but I actually know exactly where it is, because Ra’s keeps it in a jar on his bedside table.

Jason, also drunk: THATS WHAT THAT IS?!?!

Tim: you’ve seen it? HOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT?!

Jason: I had to take Damian to visit Talia at the league!

Tim: AND YOU ENDED UP IN RA’S BEDROOM?

Jason: every time I go there I put an assortment of miscellaneous vegetables in his bedding to convince him he’s going insane.

Tim:

Tim: that’s actually kinda cool.

Jason: it’s the only thing that makes escourting the kid back and forth worth it.

Damian, twelve, Tim and Jason’s designated driver of the evening: I swear mother has assigned you to me like some sort of service dog, Todd.

Jason, nodding: or personal uber.

Tim: come to think of it I have seen you lay your head on him whenever you think he’s anxious-

Jason: HE SAYS IT HELPS-!

Damian: -fucking stay out of it, Drake!

Tim: aight damn

Jason, trying to intimidate Tim: you think you can escape me? in the league of assasins they used to call me the executioner. do you know how fucked up you have to be to get an organisation of assassins to give you a murder-centric title?!?! DO YOU?!?!?

Tim, eyes wide: dude i didn’t realise they were your waffles i’m sorry-

Damian in the doorway: they were MY waffles that Todd stole from ME.

Jason:

Tim:

Damian: and for the record nobody called you ‘the executioner’. most of us called you ‘pebbles’ because after you were brought out of the pit we kept finding you throwing pebbles into the pond in the courtyard

Tim, fighting a smirk: …pebbles?

Jason, to Tim: i will slam you up against this wall.

Damian, humming: he does have a strong arm. all that pebble throwing practice.

Jason: OK I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER-

(jason totally taught damian how to skip rocks instead of training him one morning and damian would rather die than admit its one of his favourite memories)

Orphan (sweetly): If you murder anyone while we're on a mission, I will kick you in the crotch first.

Red Hood (tilting his head, confused): First?

Orphan (seriously): I know specific nerve endings can cause immense pain. I love you, I do, but you know my code. While we're working together, don’t kill anybody. That's all I ask, or…

Red Hood (playfully challenging): You'll hurt a specific part of my body that really hurts?

Orphan nodded, her expression unwavering.

Red Hood (grinning, impressed): You're hardcore, but that's what I enjoy about you. I have rubber bullets. They won't kill anyone, just really hurt.

Orphan tapped her chin, contemplating his words, then shrugged casually.

Orphan: That works. Let’s go, baby brother!

With a giggle, Orphan jumped onto Red Hood's back, her arms wrapping around his neck.

Red Hood (chuckling as he adjusted her weight): You are a few months older than me. Why are you on my back like a monkey?

Orphan (giggling): My feet are tired, and you're strong.

Red Hood (amused, shaking his head): You're annoying.

Despite his playful complaint, he took off running, carrying her piggyback, both of them laughing as they dashed into the night.

Talia (singing, talking to Jason on her phone): Have you forgotten the lessons I taught you? He's still a threat until he's dead! Finish it.

Batman (connecting the dots): Are you the reason he does that?!

Talia: What are you talking about?

Ra's Al Ghul (smoking): Yes. I have a bunch of videos of them singing together.

Batman snatched the phone away making Talia angry and almost made Ra's attack, but Talia held up her hand to stop him.

Batman: Don't!

Jason (raising his sword for the kill but stopping himself): Oh shit, you're here too.

Talia: I enjoy musicals as well, what of it?

Batman: I knew it! WHY DO YOU ENCOURAGE HIM!

Ra's (in Arabic): La tasrakh ealayha! (Don't yell at her ass!)

Batman (speaking back in Arabic): Autlub minha 'an tatawaqaf ean altaathir ealaa abni! (Tell her to stop influencing my son!) Yeah I learned the language, jackass!

Ra's wanted badly stab the man, but walked off in a huff.

Talia: Don't blame me for him being a talented singer.

Talia held up her hand and walked off ending the conversation.

Batman (into the phone): Don't kill him!

Jason: But... I wanted to. I had a song for it and everything.

Batman (regrettably singing): What good would killing do? When mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use. The blood we shed, it never dries. Is this what it means to be a warrior of the mind? I hated all of that, but I'm doing it for you, remember that!

Damian on the other hand clapped making his father more embarrassed.

Jason: The bastard sung to make me stop. Damn it, fine.

Batman has to constantly remind them he's not going down with the sinking ship when it's not his fault

Superman: Yeah, so we're turning ourselves into the government. Do you want to meet us there, or should we meet with you?

Batman: …

Wonder Woman: Batman, we're on a time crunch. Just give us your answer.

Batman (while driving, hesitating): First, I'm fine, thank you. How are you? Second, my son, who is in the car with me, is also fine… thankfully. Third, are you on crack?

Superman: I… We as a team voted that it's best if we turn ourselves into the government.

Batman (flatly): That's a decision you made. You guys have fun with it. Can I go now?

Wonder Woman: You’re part of the team! You have to turn yourself in!

Batman: Says who?

Wonder Woman: We decided as a team!

Batman: Yes, good for you. Why am I being dragged into this?

Wonder Woman and Superman: YOU ARE PART OF THIS TEAM!

Damian (in the background): Father, can we get McFlurrys later?

Batman (to Damian): Why do people eat those? They taste disgusting.

Damian: You have to get the one with the Oreos.

Superman: We’re still on the call!

Batman (annoyed): Right, not going in. Bye.

Wonder Woman: Don’t end the call! You have to hear us out.

Batman: I should just hang up, but I’m bored and need something entertaining to listen to. Proceed.

Flash (speaking first): Take one for the team, Bruce.

Batman: Okay, first, when I'm on a call with any of you, call me by my hero name. Commissioner Gordon can get away with that, but I’m not on that level with most of you. Second, I’m not on this team if you want me to do this ridiculousness. Third, seriously, are you on crack?

Green Arrow (in the background): Thank you for not saying heroin.

Damian (in the background): Father, why do they think you’re dumb?

Batman: Because they’re not very smart.

Green Arrow (expecting this): It’s amazing how badly this is going. I told you guys he’d say no, but nobody listens to me.

Batman: This is one of the rare times I agree with Arrow. I didn't sign up for a team where we all turn ourselves in for something I didn’t do.

Superman: It’s a team decision.

Batman: I don’t care.

Superman: But it’s for solidarity.

Batman: That I don’t care about.

Superman: Again, we’re a hero team. We’ve saved the world together; can’t you do this one little thing?

Green Lantern (Hal): And his response is…

Batman: Fighting villains, I enjoy. I wouldn’t be on a sports team, a firefighter team, or a doctor team with you if you're going to be this dense, and I sure as hell won't be on this team if you want me to do something this stupid. Is the brain cell you share gone for the day?

Superman: Okay, well… Kara is going with us.

Batman: And I've lost a little respect for her.

Supergirl: Hey! Wait, you had respect for me?

Batman: Did you contact any of my adult kids? Nightwing? Red Robin? I know Red Hood would just laugh before hanging up.

Superman: We haven't called them yet… but I bet they'd say yes!

Batman: No, they wouldn’t. I know that because they just texted my youngest son, who’s with me, and their messages say, “Not a chance in hell.” I didn’t even have to say anything. I raised them well.

Superman: Can’t you put aside your ego and just do this for us?

Batman: Who’s going to pick up my son from school? Go to my daughter's recital? Attend my other son’s group therapy session? Talk to my future fiancée about where I’ll be? Just curious, which one of you will handle that?

Batman waited for a few seconds, and none of the members responded.

Batman: Right. As stated, I'm not going, and if you call me again with this stupid request, I'm cutting the power to the building for a month. I will let that building decay to prove a point.

Damian: You tell 'em, Father!

Batman ended the video call without another word.

Wonder Woman: He’s getting calmer with his reactions.

Green Arrow: Yeah… Guys, maybe we don’t turn ourselves in this time. Maybe we… do something else? Anything else, because he has a point. I'm not sinking in the Titanic when there's a lifeboat.

Aquaman: Good Titanic metaphor.

Green Arrow: Thanks, man.

batfamily twitter but it’s tim drake being a rapscallion

"HOW DID HE FIND OUT?!" Bruce asked, calmly. (Batfamily Chronicles Microseries)

Young Tim getting the job as Robin in the best (confirmed canon) way possible. I honestly love that this happened in the comics, but as you can see, this is my headcanon and embellished. I did a rewrite of the original version of this.

Tim (13 at the time) chewed on a Pop-Tart he brought to Wayne Manor, along with a briefcase.

Alfred: Timothy Drake, Master Wayne and Grayson will be here in a second.

Tim ate his whole Pop-Tart and turned to see Dick and Bruce, mentally reminding himself to not freak out... That didn't work. 

Tim: OH MY GOD, YOU'RE DICK GRAYSON!

Tim rushes and hugs Dick, burying his head in the man’s stomach. 

Bruce: Um, why did you— 

Tim: Give me a few seconds, other guy.

Bruce: Other guy? Ouch.

Dick patted the kid on the head, confused but enjoying the appreciation.

Tim (elated): This is the greatest day of my life, and I haven’t even gotten to my proposal.

Dick (confused): Which is? 

Tim (clinging to the man’s body): That you, Dick Grayson, son of the Flying Graysons, are Nightwing, that you were the first, yes, first Robin, and that I’m hugging you! You smell like citrus fruit! 

Tim smiles.

Dick: Thanks, I use a special body wash— What the hell did you just say?

Bruce shook with rage as Alfred took a seat with a plate of cookies, ready to watch the spectacle. Tim stopped hugging his hero and bounced eagerly.

Tim: You’re Nightwing, who was also the first Robin, before Jason was brought in, and my hero, Dick Grayson of the Flying Graysons! This is awesome!

Dick (noticing Bruce glaring at him): Good joke, kid. I have no idea what you are talking about. 

Tim: Oh, don’t worry about Bruce; I know he's Batman too. 

Alfred: I'm elated to be witnessing this.

Alfred ate a cookie as Bruce’s expression turned from rage towards his oldest son to shock. 

Bruce: Hypothetically speaking, because you're not correct, what evidence would you have... child.

Bruce glared at Dick with the last word because of the fact there’s a young child who might have figured out their identities.

Tim: You want to see my evidence? Oh my God, I never thought I'd see this day coming! I've been holding onto this information for years!

Alfred chucklef.

Bruce (gritted teeth): For years?!

Tim (not noticing the obvious tension): Look at me; I gotta control myself. Fanboying like this. I’m so sorry! Let me get my proof ready. 

Tim opened his briefcase. Dick felt an intense glare from Bruce.

Tim: You know the first suit you had was gaudy, but it worked for you. You are so cool, Nightwing. 

Dick: I will tell Nightwing that, because he is not here… Bruce, please stop looking at me like that.

Bruce (whispering angrily): I will slap you like a pimp if we can't dispute the proof.

Dick (whispering): It could’ve been because of you.

Alfred (overhearing the two): No, it's not; he discussed what he found out before I got you two.

Dick took a few steps away from Bruce.

Dick: Hey, Tim, show us this disputable proof. 

Tim: You remembered my name! This is going well so far. Okay, let me get my first piece of evidence. To start, I have this picture I got at the circus, the one with the mother-flipping Dick Grayson! I’ve had it for a time, but kept it in pristine condition. This wasn't what clicked in my mind; I was young at the time. I wanted you to sign it.

Tim passed Dick the picture and a Sharpie pen. Dick signed it with his exact signature that he would use for a Nightwing autograph causing Bruce to throw his hands up angry, already seeing what's about to happen.

Tim: I’m a big fan of the Flying Graysons, which Dick Grayson was in. Then he got adopted by Bruce Wayne after his parents died— so sad. For a few years, I couldn’t connect it since I was so young and naive. 

Dick: How old are you now? 

Tim (excited): Thirteen! 

Bruce (in disbelief): You're… Thirteen? 

Bruce slowly turned to Dick.

Bruce: Thirteen?! 

Dick: He hasn’t proven anything yet.

Alfred kept chuckling as Bruce talked to Tim.

Bruce: Let’s pretend that I am Batman and... my soon-to-be-yelled-at son is Nightwing. How did you figure that out, young man? 

Tim: Oh my God, I love this part. Four years ago, I was in town, and Nightwing stopped a criminal, and while being his usual awesome self, he did this really cool, stupendous trick that I’d only ever seen when Dick Grayson was in the circus. I kind of put two and two together after that. And I'm not even kidding about that! I was able to figure out that you had two different Robins, that you are Batman, and that Jason Todd—may he rest in peace—also was adopted by Bruce Wayne, who had adopted Dick Grayson who moved to bludhaven where Nightwing, stay with me now, lives!

Tim drank his ginger tea from his thermos, parched after unveiling all the information he learned.

Bruce (deadpan): That was a lot to process. 

Dick (nervous): You said four years ago… Wow, is it time for my appointment—

Dick attempted to escape, but Bruce yanked him back by his ear. 

Bruce: No, no, no, you need to hear how this fan of yours figured it out. The fan that four years ago—meaning that he was freaking 9 years old—figured out how you are Nightwing and also were Robin, and about to be smacked!

Dick: I could stay a few minutes because that’s circumstantial. That doesn’t mean anything. Tons of kids know that move.

Tim and Alfred: No, they don’t.

Bruce: I’m actually going to beat your ass. That’s for later though; continue your theory, 13-year-old boy!

Alfred (intrigued): Keep going, child; you’re doing great.

Bruce growled at Alfred to stop talking, but Alfred shrugged with a smile.

Alfred: The young man shouldn't be afraid to tell you how he figured it out. Go easy on him; he's not the one that’s about to be in trouble. 

Tim (unaware of the tension): Thank you, Mr. Pennyworth.

Dick: Oh Lord, he’s so sweet too. Um, I mean this is circumstantial evidence, debatable if we could even call it evidence… such a coincidence! No way would I be that awesome and attractive! Look at me; I’m wearing khakis. I can’t be Nightwing. I am not that strapping Casanova with amazing hair who rocked that first suit. Thank you for that compliment, by the way… Nightwing will like to hear that.

Tim (hugging Dick again): Aw, Nightwing, you don’t have to be embarrassed. I was a fan of both of you, and learning you’re the same person… I just love it!

Bruce (chuckling dryly): That’s going to benefit him in the next 5 minutes when I’m screaming in his ear.

Dick: I doubt he has any other proof. 

Tim: Wait, I’m not done yet. That’s how this picture returns to the play. When I met up with you as Nightwing two days after you stopped that criminal, I pretended to put myself in danger so you could save me. Then, when you did, I had you sign a page in my autograph book. You signed that and —I'll get to the picture itself.

Tim took out a small notebook from his briefcase and placed the photo on the table. Dick, Bruce, and Alfred examined the autographs. Dick futally attempted to sneak away but Bruce grabbed him by his arm and brought him back over.

Tim: It’s an exact match! Hm, last thing.

Tim removed the cap on the marker and scribbled a mask over young Dick Grayson’s eyes in the picture.

Tim: If you cover your eyes like this, it’s the exact same guy. That’s all. 

Alfred clapped like a man at the opera. Tim's smile beamed at the appreciation. Meanwhile, Bruce and Dick's eyes widened, but Bruce became incredibly angry.

Tim: I sat on this info for a few years after that. Then Jason Todd—may he rest in peace—died. So here I am at Wayne Manor, ready to be Robin. Do I have to tell my parents about this? I don’t mind—they travel a lot; they’re the best! That’s why I was just wondering if it’s okay to tell them. 

Bruce (chuckling, but in a manner hiding his rage): He’s not an orphan and doesn’t have a terrible home life. This is just great! A 13-year-old boy figured out YOU, not ME, are Nightwing! I told you… I told you!

Tim: You believe me? Please, believe me. I’ve done a lot of research. 

Bruce shook from the cuteness intelligence of the child.

Bruce: You are right!

Dick: God damn it, yeah, you’re right.

Tim: Yes! I did it! I cracked my first case! I can be the new Robin! I can be your brother! I’ve never had a brother! 

Tim hugged Dick Grayson, sobbing happily. Dick patted him on the head again, feeling Bruce’s glare.

Tim (blissfully ignorant about the tension): I have new designs and everything too. Because... I’m wearing pants in this. I need to stress that. I WILL be wearing pants.

Bruce: I hate to burn down this parade, but I’m still… adjusting to the fact my son is dead and not interested in any new Robins. 

Tim: Yeah, but please, Mr. Wayne. I can be a great sidekick.

Bruce: How come I get Mr. Wayne when you call him Nightwing at every turn?

Tim (looking at Nightwing with a smile): He’s my hero.

Dick (sniffling): I... can’t be here.

Dick runs off; Bruce chased after him then walked back to his office, gripping the man’s ear.

Dick: Ow, Bruce! I’m sorry! Ow! I’m sorry! I thought it was foolproof! Let me talk to— Ow!

Bruce Wayne shoved his son into the office, then slammed the door shut behind them.

Bruce: In all my years as a hero, you’ve talked to me about telling a woman I’m Batman, yet you, Mr. Let me wear an eye mask and do acrobatics, got I.D. by a child! I'm livid, but also amazed at how you did not LISTEN TO ME!

Dick pouted, holding his head down, but it wasn’t because of Jason’s death.

Bruce: Don't you do it. Don't you cry!

Dick bursted into tears, sobbing like a child.

Bruce: Nope, nope, not falling for it! This is your fault! You had to do the stupid circus tricks, which I told you not to do.

Dick (between sobs): The kid seems really... smart, and my costume… was a good design! 

Bruce: He figured out who you were when he was 9! He was in third or fourth grade when he figured out who you were! At least I only got Jason as Robin because he was stealing my tires!

Dick: Why are you yelling at me?! 

Bruce: I'm not yellin—

Bruce took a breath.

Bruce: I’m not yelling; I’m talking sternly because… I'm angry, and it happens to sound loud! 

Dick (whimpering): That's yelling!

Dick sobbed, covering his face. Bruce rolled his eyes. Alfred opened the door without knocking or asking to come in.

Alfred: You should look at his designs; they're pretty good and have pants. 

Dick: Mine was a cute design!

Bruce: No, it wasn't. Alfred, just feed the child or something while I deal with my idiot. 

Dick: Rude... Alfred, don’t leave.

Alfred closed the door, heading back to give Tim something to eat.

Bruce: I have to figure out something because I can't deal with another kid sidekick. It's not happening.

Dick (wiping his eyes): Because you miss Jason? 

Bruce didn't respond, deciding to leave the office and tell Tim to leave.

Dick: Wait, Bruce, don't talk to him!

Dick tackled Bruce to the ground and tossed him back into his office, slamming the door shut, leaving Dick in the hallway.

Dick: I will handle this. Especially I missed Jason's funeral after finding out he died.

Bruce (behind the closed door): I had to carry his dead body!

Dick: It's not a contest!

Dick headed to the kitchen, where Tim was coloring his suit design with a red colored pencil.

Dick: Hey… Tim, want to get... ice cream together and chat about possibly becoming Robin?

Tim (trying to remain calm): I would... I would like that very much. 

Tim dumped all his materials back into the leather briefcase, jumped out of his seat, and headed to the door. Dick sighed, pulling his car keys out of his pocket.

Dick: I'm never living this down. 

Alfred: Not at all. Be nice to the child though.

Dick groaned, then forced a smile and took Tim out for ice cream. Bruce was going to be cold towards Tim, but Dick saw the vigor in that kid's eyes. Plus, he was a fan of his, and he needed that kindness at the moment.

It took some convincing and Tim saving Bruce's life, but the caped crusader reluctantly took Tim Drake in as his third Robin. At the time he was doubtful where things would go. Tim saw the pain the Batman was burying, he saw the man was at a breaking point and would either break his kill rule or kill himself and Tim didn't want that to happen.

He may have been a huge fan of Nightwing, but he respected Batman enough to aid him not only as a sidekick, but a son/friend.

And the rest... is history.

Joker dies bcs during his big dramatic speech of the day he tries to be be all insane and funny by pretending to shoot himself in the head with his BANG! flag gun but he fucks up getting distracted by flirting with Batman and mixes up his guns and he shoots himself in the face in front of the bats. Jason, who was being bodily held back from shooting him himself by Bruce and Dick for the past 15 minutes, laughs so hard he fractures a rib and has to be carried back to the batmobile

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

absolutely obsessed with Jason and Tim being the family psychologists that spend 90% of their time together just getting into long debates and discussions about the personalities and mental issues of everybody in the family. they will meet up at Jason’s apartment twice a week for takeout and a 2 hour conversation on how Damian might be so obsessed with the Robin mantle because the dynamics of the league make him think that family should be a business and if he cant work as a vigilante he’ll be abandoned. every stakeout they do together ends up with them getting distracted talking about Dick and his obsession with red heads. they’ve let multiple people go during these stakeouts bcs they’ve gotten side tracked when they then start discussing if Jason’s childhood issues and strained relationship with Dick somehow influenced HIM to befriending Dick’s old pals so often, and they get so fascinatingly into it that the guy they were waiting for just. slipped right by them.

nothing is off limits between these two when they start talking about mental health and family issues. they’ll compare Tim’s abandonment-independence from the Drakes to Jason’s caretaker habits from his dug addicted mother. there have been 3 hour phone call conversations about the loa and how it fucked with Jason’s perception of Bruce that then get turned into 4 hour face to face discussions about how Tim’s opinion of Bruce rapidly declined because of Jason’s death and how he handled it. they rehash how Bruce has effected every single bat child about 12 times and they still never get tired of it.

it’s not even about therapy or coming to terms with trauma. these two bitches just love dissecting family drama and psychology within the Waynes. every now and then during dinner somebody will make a fairly casual remark that has nothing to do with anything and Jason and Tim will make eye contact across the table because they KNOW they’ll be tearing that apart at a later date. what I’m saying is english-enthusiast Jason Todd and stalker-genius Timothy Drake are 100% the gossip scientists of the family, and the Waynes are their lab rats being observed for their own entertainment

as much as i love angst i do also adore familial league of assassins shit, and since i keep seeing them on my tiktok fyp i cant stop thinking about those videos of idiot teenagers in military training being. teenagers. and thinking of jason and damian. just those two having weird little gimmicks and traditions that confuse the absolute fuck out of the rest of the family from their time at the league.

damian will refer to grapes as ‘assassination implements’ because of that time jason tried to throw one at him, missed, hit ra’s in the back of the head, and to avoid getting out of trouble gaslit him into believing it must have been some kind of dart that hit him from a coup attempt. ra’s went into lockdown and had the entire base searched and jason’s been lying about it for a year, nodding along whenever ra’s brings up the ‘irritating failure that escaped capture’.

nanda parbat had a specific bar that a lot of the assassins would go to when off-duty for a break, but damian wasn’t allowed because talia said he was too young so jason and a couple other loa workers dressed him up in fake facial hair and convinced the bartender he was just a really short old guy to get him in, and since then whenever they talk about something damian’s done that he wasn’t supposed to do they say it was ‘old man brutus’ that did it. bruce has no idea who the fuck brutus is or why two of his sons find his existence so amusing.

whenever the assassins were fucking around on loa grounds they would have a specific low-down gravely tone of voice that when any of them saw talia or ra’s approach, they would use to warn the rest of the group by saying ‘al ghul’ in that tone to indicate everyone had to straighten up and act like they were training. damian can copy that tone perfectly, and will use that voice when saying non-sensical words like ‘ooby-dooby’ and ‘birch tree’ because the tone makes jason instinctively straight up and whirl around like a soldier hearing the word ‘sergeant’. it works every fucking time.

one of damian’s tutors and jason’s mission colleague hated coconut milk with a fucking passion and would rant about it every time it was brought up in conversation. a lot of the guys would take bets on how long she could go talking about it and then purposely brought it up to set her off as a game. every time anyone around the loa base was seen with coconut milk somebody would respond ‘what would eden say if she saw you with that?’. tim dick and bruce do not know who eden is or why they hate coconut milk and at this point they’re too scared to ask.

all im saying is the loa becomes much funnier if we consider it just to be a very strict assassin boarding school that jason attended and damian grew up in.

So my Batfamily brain rot is back (not that it ever really left) and I just had a thought like…

If you’re a henchman/criminal in Gotham, seeing your life flash past your eyes is gonna be a somewhat regular occurance but… what if like… the thing that truly made a henchman’s heart fall to his ass was when they hit Robin just a little too hard and this 10 year old kid just starts crying and goes ‘Daaaaaadddd!’

That’s the moment when they truly think they’re going to die because said dad, the kid is calling for is a 6’6 demon from hell who’s all muscle and shadows and vengance and a lot of Gotham still thinks he’s a cryptid

The henchmen all drop their guns and try to calm the kid down but it’s over in 5 seconds flat. Batman breaks several bones before speaking to Robin in the softest voice they’ve ever heard him use and the criminal world, who was already a bit hesitant to fight a kid have even more reason to take it just a little easy on Robin.

And like, I can picture different reactions with every Robin.

Like, for Dick, he’s ten and we all know he was the most violent Robin second only to Damian so maybe when he’s ten or eleven and has calmed down a little, a henchback who still remembers what a little shit he used to be decides to get back at Robin, slips on a pair of brass knuckles and BAM

And then, little Dick just stares for a moment in shock, cheek already starting to bruise, the criminals he’d been fighting all stay still because it was a nasty punch and then…

“Daaaaad!!!” He cries out in a whiny voice that reminds them that Robin really is just a kid and it all clicks into place.

Even Bruce wasn’t expecting that, Dick has just started calling him dad and he still isn’t used to being called that so to hear his kid calling for him in the moment where he is startled and hurt and a little scared… the henchmen don’t even have time to react and they wake up in the hospital with concussions and maybe a few broken bones.

It doesn’t take Dick long to calm down, it was mostly that the hit from a random henchmen really startled him and got him right in the cheekbone. But Bruce still finishes patrol early and Dick still hides under Bruce’s cape all the way to the Batmobile.

Then comes Jason and Jason was such a sweet kid, I headcannon he was the one that called Bruce dad the most often while being Robin. So one night during patrol maybe he finds himself fighting Penguin or Two-Face and it’s been a long night and he has an exam the following day and Bruce is fighting another villain at the other side of the warehouse

The point is, the henchmen and Two-Face start landing hits on eleven year old Jason in his gut and at some point he loses sight of Batman fighting on the other side of the room. Jason gets scared because he’s never really fought without Batman and while he knows that Bruce is still in the warehouse, he can’t see him and the handle of a gun hits the back of his ankle and he falls and he sees Two-Face or Penguin or one of the henchmen getting ready to grab the front of his uniform and beat him up and…

“Daaaaddd!”

The criminals freeze for a moment. They’ve heard the stories of what happened the last time a Robin called scared for dad.

They’re fucked.

They all drop their guns and try to get Jason to calm down, but he’s crying just a little bit and calls again, his voice breaking and despite having been at the other side of the warehouse just a second ago, Bruce somehow drops from the ceiling and it’s over before the criminals can keep pleading with Robin to calm down.

Jason tries to apologize for ‘acting like a baby’ but Bruce is having none of it and carries him back to the Batmobile and Jason is happy to just hide his face in Bruce’s cape because he knows his dad will always be there to save him.

Then comes Tim.

And Tim gets found out while doing reconnisance and somehow he finds himself face to face with Bane who manages to wrench away his bo staff and Tim is just eleven and he is scared because Bane doesn’t look like he’s going to hold back

All Tim knows is that the crack he hears must surely be his ribs either cracking or breaking and he can’t breath and he can only muster enough air for a single word… and he calls for his dad through tears and fear

And at this point… at this point Batman has already lost a Robin, Tim may not be his legally but he is his son just as much as Jason was

Bane spends a month in the ICU

Tim is embarrased that he reacted like that. He thinks it makes him less of a Robin to called scared for Batman… for dad.

So Bruce tells him of the other two times it happened. It’s one of the first times he’s spoken about Jason to Tim so bluntly.

Then comes Stephanie.

Stephanie never calls Bruce dad when she’s Robin. She’s not his daughter and he’s not her dad. They’re not sure what exactly they are to one another.

As far as Bruce knows, Stephanie’s version of Robin never called out to him when she was scared.

What he doesn’t know is that it did happen. Just once

It was the last time she was Robin. When Black Mask had her and she thought she was going to die

At some point while bleeding and feeling nauseous and so scared she could barely hear anything that wasn’t her own heart beating wildly against her chest… she called for dad. Not for Arthur Brown, but for Bruce

Black Mask laughed at her

Stephanie never tells Bruce

And finally… Damian

Now, we know Damian would probably never be startled enough to call for Bruce out of instinct, so I can see 2 scenarios in which this could happen.

First, he sees another kid do it. He sees a kid close to his own age laughing and playing, then tripping and staying quiet for a split second before crying out for mom and dad and he just… assumes that’s something kids do when scared and hurt and startled and does it mostly in an attempt to be a little more ‘normal’

Or, my favorite scenario… he hears of the other times it has happened. He overhears maybe Dick remind Jason of what Bruce did when Jason called out to dad as Robin. Tim maybe jokes that a Robin calling for dad is still the villains’ greatest fear

So Damian stores that knowledge away as a battle strategy just in case he ever needs it… and maybe a small part of him wants to put it to the test, to see if his father would protect him as brutally as he’s protected the Robins before him

So some random night during patrol, he’s up against several henchmen, a few of them grab him from behind, trying to hold him down. Damian is fighting against them when one of them swings a cylinder of metal that Damian thinks might’ve been meant for the plumbing and…

The henchman breaks Damian’s nose, there’s blood dripping down his chin and staining his uniform

Now… it is most certainly not the first time he’s broken something, he’s more than used to the pain, in fact, he barely feels it. However, it gives him a chance to put his little theory to the test

And so Damian allows himself to sound like the ten year old that he is and in a whiny, teary voice, goes… “Babaaaaa!” (Bonus points if it’s the first or second time he’s called Bruce baba instead of father)

What Damian didn’t take into account though, is that Batman and Robin aren’t the only ones on patrol that night. They made a big bust. The biggest part of the operation was over but they were still fighting a few stragglers. The whole fucking family is here.

And they all hear his cry.

Damian doesn’t think he’s ever seen a fight end so quickly. The henchmen only have a split-second of surprise before vanishing, being tackled or shot or having knives buried on their shoulders by his siblings.

The one that actually broke Damian’s nose is being beaten up by Nightwing, Damian doesn’t think he’s ever seen Grayson so angry.

A shadow kneels in front of him, father. Baba. He’s checking Damian and Todd is right at his side, both speaking in hushed tones, checking his injuries and wiping the tears that usually came with a broken nose.

And now… Damian is used to his father and Grayson treating him like a child, trying to be as soft as they can with him. Even Cain does it to some extent.

But… having Drake wrap an arm around him, calling him baby when knocking out one of the criminals that had hurt him ‘that’s my fucking baby brother!’ and continue to hold him later into the night on the couch, having Brown willingly give up all the snacks she keeps in her utility belt and promise to take him to Batburger the following day for milkshakes because he was ‘a champ’. And Thomas wraps his favorite blanket around Damian while they’re fixing him up.

Todd decides to stay the night at the manor. Which he never does. They all decide to spend the night at the manor when Damian still sniffles on the Batmobile and they have breakfast all of them together. Which Damian isn’t sure has ever happened before and Cain gets Alfred to make pancakes with chocolate chips instead of blueberries.

They call him baby in hushed whispers but for once, it doesn’t bother him even though it really should

But most of all, Bruce refuses to let him go for a good five minutes after he first cries for him. Smoothing down his hair and whispering that it’ll be okay and just being soft in a way Damian has never seen before.

He sleeps between his Baba and Grayson and he knows that Todd and Drake and Cain check in on them at least twice in the night for some reason.

And he realizes it’s… it’s nice. Maybe this really could be an effective battle strategy to be employed again someday.

HC: The Batfam’s secret identities keep nearly being exposed through dumb mistakes, and citizens all over Gotham are constantly signing NDAs printed on ridiculously formal Bat insignia letterhead.

Tim: Used his Coffee Club rewards card for a free espresso as Red Robin, forgetting it was linked to his civilian identity because it was 3am and he was running on 42 hours without sleep.

Steph: Used her personal phone to tap-and-pay at Batburger with Cass. Bruce got pissy but she’s like, “Who accepts cash in a post-pandemic world, Mr Out Of Touch?” Used the experience to bargain a work phone out of Bruce.

Dick: Poses the exact same way in selfies with fans as both Nightwing and Dick Grayson. “What? Is it a crime to know my angles? I’m not apologising for having a good side!”

Damian: Constantly threatening people in League dialect as Robin and at school. It’s like a super niche language. People notice.

Jason: Grabbed one of his Red Hood jackets because it was cold and accidentally pulled out two grenades and a gun when asked for ID at the bar.

Duke: Straight up used his Signal powers to find something at the back of his locker at school. Like just lit up the hallway. “I thought I was alone!”

Cass: Took out cash from the ATM as a civilian for Batburgers with Steph, and paid as Black Bat. Someone at the bank traced the serial number of the bill and ATM surveillance footage. Batman declared that this wasn’t Cass’s fault and gave her another $50.

Alfred: Outsourced some of the superhero suit laundering to a professional company because he’s ONLY ONE MAN for god’s sake, and sometimes he needs an afternoon off.

Bruce: Literally just keeps adopting kids who look exactly like all the new crimefighters who help Batman. Has a massive public profile and just. Keeps syncing up families with Batman? People are like uhhh is he expecting us not to notice, or?

And all of them have accidentally posted to the wrong social media account at some point.

The headcanon that Jason bakes when he's stressed eatsss

Duke: *wakes up from the feeling of being watched* wha??

*Jason standing over him with a fresh plate of peach cobbler* This is you favorite right?

Duke: um... yea..

Jason: here *sets plate on his lap* taste..

Duke: .... ok..

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

jason es un hermano amoroso pero raro

So I get the idea in my head that Jason is a very loving brother, but in his own way. They never showed him any real affection, but sometimes his mother did, but in a weird, silly way. Jason usually arrives at the mansion pushing everyone with his broad shoulders and weird smile. But then when he's feeling genuinely sentimental, he comes and steals his brothers' food. It doesn't matter that he doesn't even like Damian's vegan food. He just takes a bite and moves on. But then he sits down, looks his brothers in the eyes, and with a thick, intimidating voice, says, "Tim, I love you, but... I'd trade you for a pizza." He always does that. He mentions anything edible, and that's it. His brothers are offended and touched by it, so they usually give him chocolates as a token of affection or cook something he really likes so that when Jason steals their food, he'll enjoy it.

Básicamente escribo esto porque es lo que yo hago con mis hermanos.

Porciento vi un post de que Jason es fan de las donitas Bimbo pero la verdad yo soy fiel creyente de que el es el fan número 1 de los buñuelos Bimbo. No puedo dejar de imaginar cómo alfred lo regala porque deja boronas en la baticomputadora

bebe jay

Well then I discovered that it is no good trying to use Ibis Paint for the first time at 2 am on my broken tablet

So I have this idea that at first Batman took Jason to the league meetings because he's definitely better behaved than Dick.Jason usually sits in a corner and watches or just plays. But today he was trying to finish his volcano project Barry and Hal were still playing next to each other they didn't bother to move because they thought Robin would dodge anything but Today Robin was too focused on his homework. Then Robin gets hit so hard and at first they think it's nothing, they saw the boy get thrown out of a window,They think it's nothing to him. But then Robin starts running around crying, yelling "DAD" and just jumping on Batman while crying even louder. Batman is the father of that gentle child?

Estoy trabajando de mejorar mi inglés con esto , espero funcione

Batfam hc: The reason Bruce doesn't get why Dick wanted to "stay away" from him after he reached his late teens or why Dick didn't wanna be in his shadow... it's coz Bruce just doesn't understand why any child would want to be away from their parents. Why would the child want to be away from his parents' embrace? Why?! He would never want to be away from Thomas and Martha if they were alive. He would always wanna be their little boy. He would always live under their protective, warm and safe shadow. He just doesn't understand. The truth is: He is still their, in crime alley, trying to stop those two bullets. He never truly got out of the crime alley. He probably never would...but that's ok with Bruce. Because he doesn't mind staying in the shadow of his dead parents.

Years later, Dick finally gets how and why Bruce is the way he is. He mourns for his father and protects him the best he can. Dick knows that even though he would never trade what he has with the family he found with Bruce and others surrounding him now...for anything else, including his beloved parents...he knows, that Bruce would chose Thomas and Martha over them in a heartbeat. And it hurts. It hurts him SO BAD. But he will endure this hurt. Because he also knows that Bruce loves him and his brothers and sisters and everyone else consisting of their mess of a family.

Maybe, that's why...when the timeline shenanigans happened, and Bruce was left at the night of tragedy when Martha and Thomas were shot dead in the past, Dick, in the present timeline, was ready...ready to disappear from the present life. And he could see the same fear but silent acceptance in his siblings' eyes too. They held each other tightly. Jason, Tim, Damian, Cassandra, Stephanie, and Duke...all of them, a small part of them were resenting Bruce but their selfless love for him wouldn't let them hate him. After all...how could you hate a lost child. They waited...with Oracle in their comms, her soothing voice telling them again and again how much she loved them all. That, no matter what, she would find a way to remember them all, and bring them back. Dick held Damian close to his chest the tightest. Small and brave Dami, so full of love despite his painful past. Dick wanted to say--

A burst of energy was felt behind him...empty space crackled to life. A portal opened. A man walked out. His cowl and cape soaked in rain.

Bruce broke down. He started crying and then he started laughing. Sorry for letting you down. Sorry for scaring you all. Sorry for letting mommy and papa die. Sorry for loving his present more than his past. He loves his parents. He always would. But he loves his children more. He loves them all. Bruce no longer wanted to stay in his parents' shadow. Now, he just wanted to become a home for his kids. What is a home? A home is a place, when you have nowhere else to go, they have to accept you. And home had no right to abandon those who looked his way for support. He has to be there. He has to be a home. He didn't want to be anything else atp.

Dick held Bruce as tightly as he held Damian. Damian kept say, "Baba, Baba!" while trying to hold back tears. Jason held Bruce's cape tightly, as if he would disappear. He was still in shock. Cassandra cradled Bruce's head in her arms. Stephanie had her arms around Bruce and Jason. Tim was wiping Bruce's tears even though he himself was crying. Duke held Bruce's shoulder. His hand was shaking. He didn't want to lose another father figure. The thought had crossed his mind what his life would be if Batman had disappeared. Would it be better or worse? He decided that he didn't care. In the end, he didn't want to lose Bruce from his life. All of them could hear Barbara's quiet whimpers. Bruce tried to hold all of them in embrace.

A child finally walked out of the crime alley.