Chronic Depression - Blog Posts

Genuinely think I'm going through a rough depressive episode </3 not my favorite

Learned a few days ago that therapy seems much less effective nowadays because therapy is based on learning that your anxiety and depression are unwarranted. Unfortunately, in today's society, they're very warranted.

Learning that really changed my view. Not for the better, but it did change it.

I don't need things to be perfect. I just need someone to pretend things are perfect with me for a bit.

The worst part of being suicidal is people trying to talk you out of it

Even ignoring my dysphoria, mental illness, and the general state of the world and society, you know what really makes me want to end it all?

My memory loss due to depression. One of the main functions of our brain and it just doesn't work. Some of my core memories are gone or severely altered. My short term memory is absolute shit. And this is all permanent.

I'm about to turn 20, only 20, and I already have a massive setback compared to my peers. All due to being born into incredibly shitty circumstances that I never stood a chance against. *that* is what makes me really want to end it all. To physically feel my mind, and to extend, body deteriorating. Being suicidal, and by extension, if I actually were to do it.. it is absolutely not a choice. I don't want to die, especially not this young. I'm supposed to have an entire life ahead of me.

Except, I kinda don't. And either way I don't want it with this body and mind.

I think I genuinely want to end it all. Nobody cares about me, not in a way that matters anyway. I constantly get discriminated against simply because I'm a foreigner, and they make it incredibly difficult to navigate all the legal stuff in my new country. And even if I do have everything in order, sometimes I still get denied simply because "fuck you, that's why".

I'm also struggling with severe mental illness and trauma, which at this point I only expect to be neglected even further. Not to mention dysphoria and being trans amplifying the above tenfold.

I just don't see the point. I want to withdraw from society. It doesn't deserve me.

I need fellow friends who are also struggling. Doesn't matter online or offline but I'm tired of venting to my friends about how hard it is to juggle all my responsibilities in a body that's actively trying to not be alive, only to hear "damn that sucks" or "I believe in you" when you know they live with loving parents who provide everything for them, and don't have to put up with a body that's mentally and almost physically falling apart.

Of course I'm happy for those people but I don't think people fully grasp how much dysphoria, depression brain damage, and a broken relationship with your parents, sets you backwards in life. And tbh I need friends who can relate to at least 2/3 of those things just so we can talk about our shitty problems while having fun idec what.

please hmu

People seriously underestimates how living with mental illness is also inherently traumatizing.

It's been almost 10 years for me now. I physically feel my memory suffering under mental illness. Other senses like vision get affected too.

You wouldn't expect someone to undergo 10 years of cancer treatment, only to still be sick, and tell them "please keep going, you've been so strong before, one day it'll be alright!". You just wouldn't do that, would you?

Then why is it not only normalized, but encouraged to act that way towards me?

Not to be a hater but I genuinely hate the fact that people get disability checks for stuff like autism when I'm here, suffering crippling depression and dysphoria, as well as a health condition that makes endurance and stamina incredibly hard, juggling college classes, a job, and general life maintenance because I live alone, relying on financial aid for college students that disappears the moment I graduate(or get kicked out), and then my minimum wage job.

Idk, it just almost feels offensive to be juggling all that, when there's people who claim disability checks because they just find it so hard to talk to people, or because they're unable to focus on anything, and then they just sit on their ass and play videogames in their childhood bedroom all day, or in the free housing apartment they got.

People will call me jealous, and, well, yeah? Of course? Like wym somebody is getting free housing, free insurance, and free income while just sitting at home all day, when I'm constantly managing all the aforementioned and I get told to "just man up"

Fuck all the way off. I'll never support neets no matter how much they claim they're "fighting the system". You're an adult baby, and it's time to grow the fuck up.

society abandoned me. People don't even know I exist. People literally ignore me when I talk to them. Quite literally pretending I'm not there. It's literal torture. I'm seriously considering forcefully kicking the bucket early because of it.

forever torn on "I need God" and my sheer inability to believe in a literal, physical God.

"it will get better"

"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.

"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.

"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.

"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.

"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.

"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.

"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.

It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.

on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?

I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.

People with chronic mental health disorders will do "dang why do i feel sad/anxious/disgruntled today?" As if they literally don't have a fuckedupbrain disorder.

i have. a lot of big complicated thoughts about how people tend to treat depression as like. as if it’s nothing. like it’s the most basic easiest mental illness ever. why do we do this. depression kills people. constantly. people will throw around “depression and anxiety” and say they’re totally normalized nonstigmatized disorders and then you realize they only think mild versions of these disorders exist. i have a laundry list of mental disorders and the only one that’s ever actually put my life at risk was depression. if you throw around depression as if it’s the mildest least harmful mental illness ever have you considered shutting the fuck up.

I’ve been going through a bit of a dark time lately.

I doubt anyone on here really cares, and it’s probably gonna sound like a first world problem, but I need to vent about it. I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. Abuse, assault, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, financial hardship, bullying, etc. Things are just finally starting to be okay at least as far as what’s going on in my life. The depression and anxiety and stuff are still there but that’s to be expected. Here’s my problem, I’m scared that I won’t be able to live my dream. Like I said, I know it sounds like a first world problem, but hear me out. My dream is to make music. I don’t care whether or not I’m a celebrity, in fact, I’d prefer not to be. But I do want to help people. I want to give people a reason to live with my music just like other people gave me a reason to live with theirs. For a long time I didn’t think I was good enough to make music. However, I recently got a whole lot of positive feedback. I shared my music with some people at the hospital I was in a few weeks back and they freaked out. They were so supportive of me and really wanted me to pursue music. They really thought I had a shot. They thought I was amazing. It was incredible to have all those people supporting me and it really made me realize that I can do this. The problem is that I don’t have the means. I don’t have the kind of money to get recording equipment that’ll record my voice the way that it sounds in person instead of cutting out all of the power in my voice and making it sound average. I don’t have a soft voice. I don’t have a voice that can be accurately represented with an iPhone mic. Those mics try to cut out echo and background noise which is really detrimental to someone who has a voice like mine. I know it sounds really stupid but it’s really been a struggle for me. I’m terrified of becoming average. Don’t get me wrong, we need people to work in offices and be nurses and construction workers and teachers and everything else in between. But that’s not for me. It’s not who I am. I don’t think I could ever be that person. I think I’d probably kill myself if I was forced to. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I really appreciate you caring enough to do so. Thank you.

Oh my god please tell me this is a joke. People perceiving my bpd as manipulation has torn my life apart and I just lost the love of my life to it. This disorder ruins my life. It took him away from me. And I’m so fucking tired of it.

I really don’t understand why so many borderlines are so afraid of unintentionally being manipulative.

PREACH

The not so funny thing about mental illness

I’ve met a lot of people who flaunt their mental illness. They use it as an excuse to be bad to other people and to themselves, and they want all the attention that comes from that. They’re upset and need help and assume that needing help means they have a mental illness. And maybe they do, maybe they really have that mental illness. But the problem with so many people using things like depression and anxiety for attention is that it forms an image in people’s heads that mental illness is something that exists only when something bad has happened, and that everything will be ok once the situation improves. I’m gonna be honest: this gets me so angry. Not so much angry as jealous. I’m jealous of these people that can just switch off their mental illness when they’re happy. I’m happy. Everything in my life is objectively amazing, but it’s still so hard just to keep getting out of bed every day. I feel guilty cause there are people out there with problems and I want to end it all even though everything is amazing. But that’s just it; Mental illnesses don’t care what’s happening around you, they’ll do anything to keep you in their grasp. It’s not fun and it isn’t fair. Which is why when people use mental illness for their own gain without actually having it I get so upset. We should all be able to get help, with or without an illness, but these illnesses aren’t a trend or something cool to look up to, they ruin lives. Lives like mine. But, this isn’t about me. Not really. It’s about everyone with mental illnesses that they can’t just turn off when they get bored or want to be happy. I want to acknowledge the struggles they go through daily, the strain on their relationships, jobs, personal hygiene, even when everything is going well. You deserve better, and I hope one day you can find it one day.