vent post bc im tired and feel alone in this
TW; dysfunctional families, implied abuse kinda I'm not really being abused
I fucking hate being "perfect." Stupid, I know, I feel like I should be grateful.
Have you heard about golden child and scapegoat dynamics in dysfunctional households? Because me and my brother are living examples of that. I'm the golden child and I loathe it.
I have it so much better then my brother, I know. But being the golden child, I am my mother's trophy, and it's exhausting. I am a doll, not a person. A bragging right. An award. I have to always do what I'm told, be smart, achieve high things, always have to look pretty, have perfect manners, tons of impossible expectations, be the perfect little girl. Or she starts yelling. I hate it so much. I'm tired, I'm really tired. I stress myself out to be enough for her. I'm the definition of a burnt out gifted kid. Yet i feel like i'm supposed to be grateful because the one above made me smart and pretty. I can only be who I really am online, with my s/o, or with my friends. And I loathe it.
And I just feel alone. I see posts about how golden children will become the abuser and it scares me. I don't feel like anyone understands that both the golden child and the scapegoat suffer. I don't want to be my mother, I swore I'd be better. I don't want to be her. I don't know how to break this cycle.
Fuck.
repeat to yourself that they're not really gone. time has proven that fooling yourself into believing a lie is the most effective way to deal with things you have no control over. keep listening to the mixtapes they made you. overanalyze every single word you hear. was this a sign that things were going wrong? no, no, you were the one who cared too hard. not them.
stay up every single night staring at your phone. either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream, or praying just for one second you could feel the warmth of equally returned love.
go out for coffee four times a week by yourself. always bring your notebook. never stop writing. leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip. watch them smile as you get in your car. talk down on yourself whenever possible. "my life is shit because i deserve it, right?" you must've done something really bad. its nearly impossible for you to cry now.
avoid your friends for weeks even though they're the only sense of consistency you have left in your life. if they really wanted to see you, they'd come. but they won't. who cares?
allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love. watch as you begin to take a backseat to the world around you. don't fight it. become a secondary character in your own motion picture.
but most importantly, drown every single one of your feelings in old, stolen rum. learn to love the taste of it dripping down your throat. find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach. you're drinking bottled love now.
you don't need other people to drive away your loneliness. you just needed to find a way to talk to it.