Abandonment Issues - Blog Posts

Dont you guys just hate when something happens that mirrors an experience from your childhood that made you so scared of other humans you avoided them and stopped believing in friendship entirely for 4 years and now you’re terrified they both hate you because that’s what happened last time and every other time ever

This happened to me a few minutes ago so I made comic

I got good at leaving; but I'm asking you to stay.

These words have been with me for so long they aren't easy to say.

I'm afraid if I speak them to the empty air there won't be anything left of me.

I haven't tried before; I just watched them leave.

So I'm hoping this time, if I give these words to you.

You'll take their place in my chest and say you love me too.

I want to slitttt their throaatssss, it's not FAAIRRRRR, HOW COME THEY GET TO BE TOGETHER AND IM ALL SAD AND PATHETIC AND ALONE !!!!!

I was imagining the perfect partner in class again >////< Im going to try to get in classes without all of my current 'friends' because i just neeeeed to meet other people and find a partner whos js so nice >////<

I need someone to stay with me so bad omfg😭

The amount of times I've tried to tell people to not talk to me if they can't handle me bc I know I'm not a great person, but people are always like

'No I don't mind, I can handle it ^^'

LIKE OBVIOUSLY YOU COULDNT BECAUSE YOU LET ME GET ATTACHED THEN LEFT

AGAHAUAHAHAHA IF I GET ONE MORE FP OR FRIENDS AND THEY LEAVE, YALL WILL NEBER SEE ME AGAIN 💀

*cough* @vodozemacc350 *cough*

must be so damn nice to be loved and accepted by somebody despite your flaws bro

what does that feel like

(abandonment issues kicking in full swing)

wanting to be loved but never want to experience loving someone else ever again

I realised the reason I love reading those romantic xReaders so much is because my fear of always being left behind runs deep enough that it bleeds into fiction. I assume everyone is going to leave me once they get a crush and/or fall in love, so especially when I'm reading xReaders, I have to be reading the romantic ones, because I know that as long as the characters like me romantically, they'll never leave me. I realised this when I read a completely platonic one, and I was uncomfortable. I was complaining to myself that I much preferred the romantic ones, which were much more fun and interesting. But when I got to the end, I thought about how if I had that friendship in real life, I would have felt so fulfilled! So I reread it, and it was so cute and fluffy and wholesome and I loved it! But I wondered what the character would do if he ever fell in love with someone else. And then it hit me.

I fear even a fictional character, in a fictional scenario that I can control just by thinking about it, leaving me for a romantic entanglement.

I am not okay.

Me: Once these friends stop loving me, I can never love again.

My logic: What? They still love you tho?? Why are you saying that, they've given no indication that they're gonna stop.

Me: This is it. I will never use my heart again.

Logic: Literally nothing is happening????

Me: Cruel world, I shame you for hurting me. Tears, I loathe that I need you. Love, I wish I never knew you.

Logic: LITERALLY SHUT UP, YOU'RE FINE??????????

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.  

me wiping the tears quickly before my mother comes in the room so she doesn’t realize it’s getting bad again