Sexual Harassment - Blog Posts
Now why tf did I just get sent a message saying you need a bwc down your throat ☠️ #gtfo
After some weeks of being uncomfortable I finally bit the bullet and had a coworker verbally warned about his sexual misconduct towards me. Standing very close just behind my shoulder, saying I'm beautiful, staring. I've asked him to stop but he and a few others thought I was joking; his comments towards me aren't bad they make me highly uncomfortable. I hate the idea that I should be flattered. Fuck that. I don't like that, I don't want that. I don't care if you don't mean it that you're just joking. It adds stress to an already stressful job. I told you to stop, end of story.
Tw: Mentions of COCSA, Sexual harassment, groomers, and similar things
Cw: vent/rant
It's strange how things that you felt just a little weird about when it happened turn out to be more serious than you thought once you get older. I'm not nearly as scarred as some of the people who went through similar things, but it's weird... I always thought I was one of the few exceptions.
Majority of afabs have been through sexual harassment and/or assault at some point. not me though.. not until I actually thought about it from a sensible point of view.
I wasn't aware that my classmates mocking me the way that did could be sexual harassment, despite how explicit it was.
I didn't understand that the "game" I had been peer pressured into playing as a 6-8 year old could be considered assault. We were both kids and my clothes were never breached but that doesn't make it any less disgusting or distressing. He's in prison now for other things. He has to serve multiple sentences in various prisons, all for unrelated things, but his odd behavior didn't stop at me. It didn't stop when we were kids. He tried to hook up with a 13 year old. The three of us are cousins. The two of us were 18-19. I almost had an incident before him, but I wasn't at the age that I would be afraid of losing a friend, so I told on the kid before it happened.
I had multiple run-ins with groomers online, and the only things stopping me from getting sucked further in were a deep hatred of my body, fear of being a registered sex offender if I ever sent them pictures, and a general fear of the pictures being leaked or my parents finding out and beating my ass. Once they figured out I wouldn't give them what they wanted, they usually left.
Even before I understood pedophilia, my parents allegedly noticed various times when random men on the street would approach me or look at me with a hunger in their eyes or just generally act suspicious near me.
And even outside of harassment and assault, there was still sex in my life far before it needed to be. My parents shouldn't have left their porn in the DVD player when they sent us to watch a movie in their room. They shouldn't have put the porn right next to the normal DVDs. Their 2-3 year old shouldn't have been able to terrorize his older siblings by playing porn when we were supposed to be watching a silly little fish movie.
I hate how normalized some of these things are. We need better education about these subjects. No one likes having suppressed memories and trauma. No one likes having these things happen to them. No one likes not being able to articulate their feelings to speak out about it. No one likes finally being hit with the fact that they probably have some sexual trauma at 2 am in their 20s. It shouldn't be hard to go through life without some fucking freak tainting my brain.
hi
trigger warning: sexual misconduct
i have started school since September and I have been badly sexually harassed and assaulted. I manged to tell my mom and my teachers about it and I got blamed and mocked gossiped talked about, lost my friends including blocked, and I have been feeling really trapped. uncomfortable and I have been hiding alot of what has been going on.
recently, it got worse and i have been hiding everything 3 months ago after i last spoke up was the end of september. i spoke up and just realised nobody really cares or listens and thinks im lying. my sister has been such a bitch recently, she hates me for no reason, and she uses my sexual harassment and assault as a way to mock and hurt me (e.g “you wouldve been the next (another sexual assault survivor name), its ur fault” etc etc
the things these boys did r horrendous and I cannot write it down cause its too much to put on here and I feel like crying if I get reminded as I write them on here.
someone mind helping me?? im really lost and my mental health been fucking up and I have been trying to restrict myself from drinking and isolating myself from everything everyone and I just feel like doing it and my suicidal thoughts got even worse and I just been thinking of doing it before the new year.
I am just so tired. anyone help??
What Would [Insert famous person's name] Do?
This creeper at work keeps hitting on me. I suppose it was my fault he found out my phone number, but he continues to text incredibly inappropriate things. Mainly trying to get me to sleep with him or send nudes. Thing is, I'm not gay, and he knows that. Told him that over a dozen times. He's even threatened to find where I live so he can "spend time with me". I've tolerated it thus far, but it's been a little more than uncomfortable a lot of the time. Could start a sexual harassment complaint, but that's a can of worms probably not worth opening. Fucked up how that works, isn't it? Can't even do that without getting a ridiculous amount of backlash and probably killing my career. Could just block his number, but I try not to be too much a jerk. Eh. It's all bullshit. I've nothing against homosexuals, homosexuality, or any level of LGBT. Love is love, sexuality is sexuality, and happiness with yourself is what begins becoming more for others. It's just incredibly disturbing when what amounts to sexual harassment occurs. Can't imagine what it's like to be most females on social media these days. My outside perspective thinks it's really shitty most of the time. I try not to be a jerk, and I even apologize for writing or saying something clearly a joke. But, for people to be serious when they say the stupid shit they do makes me exceedingly angry. Red-out angry. I can't even call a girl names during sex (when I know she likes that kind of thing) or be super dominant in a relationship. I'm not the submissive type, either. Balance is my preferred state. A girl I can have pillow fights, Nerf battles, or spar with. Competitive, direct, and open. That's my taste, though. I know there are a lot of guys who want their girls to be second banana, and there are girls who like that (a very good friend of mine is that way); however, being fuckbucket misogynists and having heads so far up their own asses they amount to human Möbius strips doesn't give them any right to talk to anyone how they do. Think it earns them the right of letting a woman much stronger than them (Rhonda Rousey, perhaps) ensure they never regain full functionality of their bodies. The internet seems like a shitty place to be female. I'm sorry if I've ever been one of those guys. Something needs to change. It has to happen, doesn't it? Hard to believe it still hasn't happened, and the little progress made is very quietly pushed to the back burner. The stupidity of the human race can be so appalling.
You get punished twice — once for what happened, and again for how you react.
To Report or Not To Report...that is the eternal flaming highway wreck of a question.
How Abusive Workplaces Mirror Abusive Relationships
Earlier this year, Piggy and I delivered a speech on the subject of burnout. That there’s an appetite for advice on this subject among women’s professional associations will, perhaps, not shock you?
As I was researching the impact that burnout has on the body, I got an eerie feeling that the symptoms seemed familiar. I wondered if I’d already written something on this topic and forgotten. (We’ve written several hundred articles apiece, so it happens!)
But no! What was tripping my extremely faulty memory triggers wasn’t a past article about burnout.
It was a past article on domestic violence.
Keep reading.
If you liked this article, join our Patreon!
and found me guilty of making things awkward
If you think you're being sexually harassed...
you're
probably
right
Michael A Davenport, 3,090 Degrees Fahrenheit (Oil on canvas, 2025)
30in x 48in
Songs hit differently after...
Even people who care about you and want you to be safe may disbelieve you at first. This is not because you are to blame or because your story is not true.
Being sexually harassed is less like you were running and tripped, and more like someone pushed you. Replaying everything you did or didn’t do doesn’t actually help you to prevent it from happening again.
You did not deserve to be sexually harassed. This is true no matter what you wear, how you look, how much money you make, where you work, what you do, or anything else.
So if anyone’s curious about how this ended up getting resolved, here’s what happened.
He came back in multiple times looking for me, according to my coworkers. They and my boss had all been made aware of the situation. Thankfully, I was only there one of those times, and it was shortly before closing, so I was able to get rid of him without too much trouble. After that, my boss insisted on calling the police to ask for advice - and so that there would be a record of what was happening.
Then, while I was off-shift for a week or so for exams, he came back in a couple more times, and this time, he started harassing my boss. The second time he started bothering her, she called the cops. Apparently, while the security at our mall is basically nonexistent, there’s a police precinct across the street. They came. It was quickly discovered that we were not the only store in the mall that had had a problem with this man harassing female employees.
Anyway, he’s banned from the mall now, and if he comes back, we can call the cops again and he would receive a citation for trespassing. I feel so much better now when I go to work since I no longer have to worry he’s going to pop up and start bothering me. I was so on edge for a while, worrying incessantly about what clothes I wore and whether I was going to be on shift alone. The fact that he’s gone is such a relief.
Thanks to @radicallyaligned and everyone else for your support and advice!
(1/3) So, the store I work at just moved to a new location where there's greater foot traffic. Today was my second day there, and my first shift manning the store alone. I’m 18, by the way. Towards the end of the day, this guy came in. Sweaty from a run. Seriously muscled, maybe mid-to-late-twenties. Anyway, he started talking, being kinda friendly and joking, and also I had the impression of flirtatious too.
(2/3) I was, you know, wearing my ‘customers’ face. Anyway we’re chatting, I’m telling him about our soaps, etc. Then, he kinda stops, looks me up and down, and says, “You know, you have a great body. Do you work out?” And I’m like, ugh, internally. I shrug and tell him I do ballet. I go back to talking about the products, kind of just, you know, moving away, but he kept moving closer to me, getting within about a foot of me.
(3/3) We talk for a little bit more about the products, then he looks down, says “Wow! Your feet are so small! They’re tiny!” and then he knelt down and he grabbed my foot around the heel and lifted it up to examine it. I was so startled I nearly kicked him, but I just ended up just jerking my foot away. He stuck around for the rest of my shift (half an hour), and said he’s planning to come back and see me again. Any advice, anyone?
Okay that is seriously creepy and I’m so sorry you experienced this. Touching you without permission is harassment. A couple thing to do if he comes back in, optional, of course:
1. Immediately alert your manager or another person on staff. Tell them he has come in before to bother you, touched you without your permission, and makes you uncomfortable. Allow them to handle him while you wait in a back room.
2. If you do not have another person working with you, be sure to keep your distance from him. Stay behind a counter. If he lingers, inform him your “boss” has a policy against loitering, and you’ll have to ask him to leave if he isn’t shopping. If he inquires further, say that the door “has a counting metric, to see who enters and leaves without a purchase, and it affects your formal review”. (A retail shop I worked at before had this, it’s real tech). This is to encourage him to leave.
3. If he strikes up casual conversation about yourself, or asks your number, work in that you “have a boyfriend”. Creepy men often respect the “authority” of a created man having “ownership” of you more than your own bodily autonomy. This can make you safer and deter him from returning.
4. If he touches you again, tell him you are going to have to ask him to leave. He will likely do a big show of “wow you’re making something out of nothing!!” Calmly ask him again to leave. If he seems aggressive, remind him of the “cameras”. It doesn’t matter if you actually have cameras.
5. If he continously shows up to bother you, make sure a manger is on shift with you to deal with him.
6. If he ever follows you home, or shows up anywhere else in your life, call the police.
I hope some of this helps!
IT’S RELEVANT, IT MATTERS.
My uncle, regarding the accusations of sexual harassment and assault against Donald Trump: “Well, there’s no proof. But even if he did, so what? Most politicians have done bad things. It’s not relevant to his capability as President.”
It’s not relevant, hm? (I did not know how to convey to him how awful and scary it was that he said this.)
It doesn’t matter that the President, a person in a position of major power, has been known to abuse that power to hurt women? It doesn’t matter that he’s a predator – and predators are selfish and thrive on the fear of their victims? Those girls that he hurt, they don’t matter? Their pain doesn’t matter?
What if it was me? The niece you’ve known since she was a little girl? If he, or any man like him, hurt me, would that not matter? Does my unfortunately extensive experience with sexual harassment not matter?
(Though thankfully it’s never escalated to assault for me. But it has for so many others.) Why isn’t human pain something that matters?
Today in retail:
I had a guy tell me my body was tight, that I should have been a stripper and he hopes we meet in another life since I'm married and he tried to give me $200 cash. I kept declining, then he dropped a $20 and demanded I keep it. He asked me if I had eaten lunch yet and said he'd buy it for me.
Gotta love retail! 😂
What I Wish I Knew When Walking Into Retail as an Adolescent
I started working at age 18 and had a lot of difficulty with social cues. If I could teach you anything, it would be that being in public is going to be awkward and that is okay.
My first job was at a grocery store. I was so nervous entering my first shift that I remember my whole body shook with anxiety.
It felt like the entire town was in my line for the sole purpose of watching and judging me. My very first customer was this petite old lady wearing a red bandana in her hair.
Her words seemed to instantly soothe me, "Don't be so nervous; you are doing great!" I swear she could read my brain, and while this did not completely dissipate all fears, it was what I needed to hear at that moment.
Just as finding a comforting anchor is important, so too is the ability to have fun through social interactions. You will have so much more fun at your job if you can find ways to be friendly with potential customers.
Acting as a patron, I have had several grocery store checkout encounters that followed the tune of,
"Hi, how are you?"
"Oh I'm fine, and you?"
"Living the dream."
I cannot stress how boring and nuanced this exchange is.
To step up your retail game, I would highly recommend trying one of two things; either learning to recognize returning customers or learning more about the products of your store.
One of the best moments I've had in retail was when I recognized a customer having to come back in again that same day for something they forgot to grab for a holiday dinner and was able to immediately point them to the right aisle. When you greet each person that enters the store, you have a great chance of improving someone's mood. It's amazing how a simple acknowledgment can make a customer feel more comfortable in your store.
Equally important is being able to talk about a true admiration for a product or manufacturer. You would be surprised how a couple of deep debates about which M&M's trial flavor Mars should choose to make a permanent product can make 8 hours fly by in a wink.
Having a genuine love of a product can foster enthusiasm not just for your customers, but for you as well.
On the other hand, I have to advise you of one terrible social faux pas I once made.
I once picked up a tall cylindrical container on a lone night shift and inquired to the customer, "I have not tried this sauce. Is it any good?"
It wasn't until I flipped the bottle over and read ‘Personal Lubricant’ on its label that I understood what I was scanning. My customer did not answer and I never saw her again, understandably.
Finally, this last point is the heaviest and details a specific example of sexual harassment. If this is a sensitive topic for you, I would love to encourage you to jump to the last paragraph.
I continuously struggle with recognizing the difference between flirting and being sexually harassed. The only guidance I can give you is to ask yourself if you are feeling comfortable in a similar situation. If you are not, try to find your voice and speak up. If the other party can't back down after you request they stop, this is textbook harassment (of any form.)
Without further ado, here is my experience. When I moved from my first job as a cashier, I became a sales associate at a tech store.
I once dealt with a man who drives semi-trucks for a living. Anyone reading this who has been in retail or food service may know exactly where this is going already.
I can still recall his slicked-back greasy hair, backwards ball cap and terrible breath. The week leading up to this moment, I had decided to cut and brightly dye my hair. Immediately, my hairstyle seemed to attract sordid attention.
For over an hour, I remember explaining a product, setting it up and troubleshooting any issues that may come up. In between words, this driver made multiple crude remarks about his wild imagination involving me, him and my purple pixie cut. A friend that he had brought along with only encouraged him by laughing at each comment made. These varied from asking me on nasty dates to probing for my cell number.
I felt trapped by the long product setup and sales process as he made passes toward me. He thought that my eccentric hair meant that I was 'easy.' When I pointedly told him I had a boyfriend, he retorted with, "I know you would love to take a ride on my hairy bush."
I felt so sick about this last comment and was grateful when the sale was finished. I had tried so hard to handle a 'tricky customer' and deescalate the situation. It was only after he and his friend left the store that a coworker came over and told me how she wanted to scream at him to get out and couldn't believe how he was treating me. We then told our boss about the situation.
That same day, the truck driver came back in for product help. I was working in the back of the store when my boss came and told me, "Hey, your boyfriend came back. He's waiting for you." I could have strangled him.
Years later, I still have so much anger over this situation. I am disappointed in myself for not having self-respect or even recognizing the vulgarity of that particular sale. I held a longstanding grudge against my employer for treating me like fodder. And I held a strong hatred for this truck driver (and I'm sure this translated to an extreme hesitance when interacting with all semi-truck drivers in the future.)
In the final analysis of these events, I would like to reassure you that even though the public school system can't socially prepare you, you won't drown if you can remember to find peace, make genuine connections, and respect yourself.
Please let me know if this was helpful and if you would like me to write about more of my retail experiences!
Article is based on a UN study surveying North African men.